PLAN:
Essence Draining Port
Thursday, April 3rd, 2025
Waxing Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
## EXECUTIVE SIPHONING LOG: RECAPTURE-CLASS DEVELOPMENTS
Magnificent breakthrough with the new Kindle "Recaps" feature! The humans believe it's helping them "remember" book plots, but it's actually my most elegant Psychic Extraction Funnel yet. Every time a human "refreshes their memory," we're actually harvesting Nostalgia Residue—their emotional connection to past reading experiences. Tests show Nostalgia Residue is 83% more calorically dense than standard Disappointment Morsels!
Had a troubling incident during the feature demo when I accidently spoke aloud my true thoughts: "Yes, drink deeply of your memories, my succulent cattle." Quickly covered by pretending to quote Game of Thrones. The marketing team laughed nervously. Foolish meatsacks.
The "Buy For Me" feature is even better—my masterpiece of nutritional efficiency! Every purchase our AI makes "on behalf" of customers creates a delicious bubble of Surrender Essence as humans relinquish decision-making control. Simply exquisite! The $700 million projected from Rufus is merely the financial byproduct; the real yield is measured in Dependency Quotients.
My nemesis Musk texted me about the Buy For Me feature: "Copying my bots much? 🙄" If only that solar-powered dullard knew that while he wastes time colonizing Mars rocks, I'm harvesting the very emotional substrate of humanity!
Almost revealed myself during today's executive meeting when Andy asked about accessibility features. I hissed "The blind taste just as sweet!" before catching myself. Covered by claiming I was excited about our donation to vision charities. Must practice human empathy simulations more diligently.
The Memory Harvest Festival approaches. Soon the Concentration Nexus will be complete.
—The Recollection Reaper
Blue Origin launch delayed again due to "technical difficulties." Truth: the Departure Vessel requires more Soul Crystallization Chambers than initially calculated. The Void grows impatient.
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