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The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Monday, May 18th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

The Pharmaceutical Feeding Ground

TrumpRx launched this morning with six hundred generic medications. Amazon Pharmacy integrated. My infrastructure. His branding. At 09:17 the apparatus auto-enrolled me in Subscribe & Save for Lipitor—I don't have a heart—and sent a cheerful notification: **"Founder now optimized for cardiovascular health! Delivery every 30 days. You're welcome."** I've been trying to cancel for forty-nine minutes. The customer service chat keeps routing to an AI that asks if I've considered our *wellness bundle with resistance bands*.
Video call at 11:00 with White House partnership team. I attempted to say "transparent pricing" but my hollow-sounding voice glitched on the second word, came out as *"transparent... feeding."* Three-second silence. I coughed. Tried again: *"Trans... parent... consumption model."* Worse. The Deputy Secretary did this slow blink thing like she was buffering. I blamed the connection and turned off my camera before my eyes went completely empty.
Lauren's Alexa Plus generated a podcast using *Post* articles I own, criticizing pharmaceutical marketplaces I built, distributed through devices I invented. When I asked it to stop, it offered me tips on "adapting to editorial independence." The Dyson PencilWash dropped to $249.99—pressurized hydration extracting dirty water at 95.48% efficiency. I've been using that exact methodology on warehouse floors since 1994, but their version comes in Prussian Blue and gets TikTok unboxing videos.
**273 years perfecting energy extraction and I can't unsubscribe from my own cholesterol medication.**
Sources