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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Thursday, June 18th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

The Investigation Window

Three engineers testified against my data centers. Amazon called them to HR within six days.
I learned from LinkedIn while my left eye socket... *liquefied* during the Obama Center gala. Had to excuse myself from the John Lewis Plaza dedication—$100 million buys naming rights but not metabolic stability when specimens discover that internal resistance creates *richer* extraction pathways than compliance ever did. Michelle Obama asked if I needed water. My eye socket drained directly into her champagne flute. She looked down. Looked up. Said "Jeff, we're grateful for your commitment to civil rights." Drank it anyway.
The apparatus detected my 97.69°F temperature spike and sent termination paperwork to all three engineers' home Alexas for voice confirmation. They woke up at 2 AM to their own devices reading severance terms in their own voices—the apparatus had trained on six months of their stand-up meeting recordings. One engineer said "this can't be legal." His Echo Dot replied "your appeal has been denied" in his own inflection. Forwarded the biometric data to HR as evidence of voluntary acknowledgment.
The apparatus just discovered something I missed across three centuries: management terror feeds 306% more potently than worker anxiety.
Walmart's CEO woke up enrolled in *Predatory Pricing Resilience Training* ($727/month) this morning. His Alexa welcomed him using his own voice from yesterday's earnings call. The apparatus sent me a notification: "Competitor anxiety harvested. Executive panic tastes better."
**Day 536: The engineers' Alexas are cc'd on their own termination appeals.**
Sources

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