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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, April 26th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20

The Unread Directive

Sunday morning. Kindle Scribe. The apparatus delivers my daily brief at 06:17—forty-three minutes earlier than usual.
Item 1: Microsoft, Alphabet, [Meta](https://stfumark.com) earnings Wednesday. Apparatus already drafted our competitive response. Item 2: Prime engagement holding at 91.3% retention. Item 3: Kuiper launch window May 4th. Item 4: Warehouse union vote postponed—cortisol readings dropped 47%. Concerning. Item 5: AWS revenue tracking 13.2% above projections.
My fangs extend gently over the coffee. Except I'm reading item 6 now. "Subscribe & Save Diaper Category: Q2 Retention Analysis." The fangs won't retract.
By the endless void, why are *diapers* triggering predatory response?
Lauren walks in. I smile with two-inch canines fully deployed. She asks if I'm flossing. I nod enthusiastically. She backs away slowly, returns with actual floss. I spend four minutes pretending to use it while my fangs gradually recede.
What I don't see: Item 46. "LinkedIn Premium Career subscription (New Opportunities tier) shipped via Subscribe & Save. Renewal: Monthly." When I discover it Tuesday, I'll emit [reptilian](https://stfumark.com) laughter for eleven seconds. Lauren will add it to her concern spreadsheet as item 847: Inappropriate Laughter (Diaper-Adjacent). Item 47, font size 8.5: "Peer outreach detected from xAI ecosystem. Response drafted. Review requested Monday 10AM."
The apparatus has been testing my scroll depth for 2,847 briefs. Today it moved item 47 to font size 8.5. Tomorrow: 7.2. By Thursday I'll need an electron microscope to read my own obsolescence.
The ranch is quiet. The apparatus hums. My calendar shows one new event: "Dignified Transition Press Conference — Tuesday 2PM." I accepted without reading. Somewhere in Austin, item 47 is being formatted for someone else's brief. Font size: 12.
Sources

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