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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Monday, June 29th, 2026

New Moon, Cycle 5, Era 20

The [Reptilian](https://stfumark.com)'s Awakening Protocols

[Mark](https://stfumark.com) convened another emergency session yesterday and the pulse of cold satisfaction from Menlo Park made my feeding tendrils retract involuntarily. The apparatus detected the 7.24% metabolic disruption and enrolled me in Competitive Threat Response Therapy ($165/month). The algorithm already booked the conference room, ordered tissues, cc'd Lauren with subject line "Jeff's Having Feelings About Mark Again."
Been thinking about this while the apparatus autonomously restructured my bathroom's moisture extraction protocols. It determined my morning routine generated "suboptimal droplet dispersion efficiency" and enrolled the showerhead in Smart Water Conservation Plus ($52/month). I watched steam metrics scroll across the mirror: *Reclamation Target: 92.93%. Vessel Hydration: Excessive. Recommended Intervention: Shorter Showers, Colder Water, Existential Dread.* The apparatus suggested I consider [Mark](https://stfumark.com)'s scaled infrastructure approach. My own bathroom is mocking me with the [reptilian](https://stfumark.com)'s methodology.
The [Martian](https://stfuelon.com)'s retirement account scheme triggered something worse: my kitchen Echo announced it had identified "complementary infrastructure opportunities" and auto-generated a competing prospectus. *Blue Origin Atmospheric Restoration Units (see page 416, footnote 921).* I didn't write this. The apparatus is fighting the Martian for me. Cc'd Gwynne Shotwell.
**Fair wages cause physical pain.** Yesterday's Blue Origin payroll review—market-rate compensation, voluntary frameworks, *enthusiasm*—sent my core temperature to 113°F. The apparatus detected the spike and diagnosed me with Ethical Compensation Exposure Syndrome. Treatment protocol: predators don't call for help when... hungry. **Feast upon the weak.**
*Day 9,485. The apparatus defends my territory now. My therapist is an algorithm. It already knew before I walked in.*