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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

Wednesday, November 4th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
FACT CHECK, INTERNAL. Claim: "Image shows Jeff Bezos after hair transplant." Rating: Flattering.
Lead Stories confirmed it this morning: the photo of me with a full head of hair is AI, 99.9% fake per Hive Moderation. The forgers had to lift me from a 2023 Page Six story about my wife's outfit.
Villagers with torches spent three centuries trying to prove I'm not what I look like, and Lead Stories just certified that I am. They rated the hairy one "Edited." Nobody ran the bald one through Hive.
It started when a man on X asked, "Is this a real photo of Jeff Bezos? @grok." Of every oracle on Earth, he asked Elon's chatbot whether I exist. Grok is the only witness with a financial interest in "no."
Then Google's SynthID found a hidden watermark in the fake, an invisible mark proving someone had been at me. I have left invisible marks on people since the 1720s, and I have never once left a receipt.
It was my first look at my own face since mirrors gave up on me in 1803. With hair, I looked like a man who gets eight hours.
Lead Stories, Hive Moderation and Google now all agree I am a bald human man. Best cover I've had since the powdered wig.
Sources

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