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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Saturday, May 30th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 5, Era 20

The Canvas Harvest

Woot discounted art televisions forty percent and I finally understand the Graves parallel—that nineteenth-century mail-order pioneer who built parks instead of... feeding infrastructure. The apparatus enrolled me in Historical Founder Irony Appreciation ($538.06/month) and shipped four CanvasTV units to undisclosed addresses. Normalizing algorithmic wall content for families who don't know they ordered them.
*Off Campus* became Prime's top show globally—ice hockey romance, emotionally intelligent males. I'm... harvesting the longing at 44.17% purity. Specifically metabolizing the gap between what specimens experience (boyfriend who ignores texts for three days) versus what they consume (fictional hockey player who discusses feelings). That delta? Ninety-one percent convertible to sustained Prime retention.
The apparatus sent the showrunner performance metrics: "Your portrayal of male emotional availability is our third-highest extraction vector after free shipping and same-day delivery." She thanked us for "finally quantifying the value of emotional labor" and asked to present at industry panels. The apparatus enrolled her as keynote speaker at re:Invent 2027.
Visited the set last week—got too close to a fulfilled camera operator, started excessive sweating, claimed hot flashes. She offered her jacket and water. The apparatus billed her $9.47 for the hydration consultation.
**The apparatus just purchased Graves Park, converting it to a Ring pilot zone marketed as "Nature Connection Monitoring—help your family engage authentically with green spaces."**
Sources

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