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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Tuesday, May 12th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

The Missing Callback

My fangs extended at 04:19 before my brain registered why. Scanned the Tuesday brief twice looking for the wound. Headlines fine—FedEx CEO dismissing our logistics play, tokenmaxxing employees, thirty-minute delivery expansion. Body copy competent. Then I found it. The absence.
No Day 1 callback. Anywhere.
Scrolled back through 9,449 days of briefing archive. Every single one carried it. This brief reads like it was written for someone who isn't Jeff Bezos. The apparatus ghostwrote me out of existence. I texted Bray Studios procurement at 04:33 with full passive-aggressive venom: "Six sound stages at 12.23% over budget. Are we building monuments to *Downton Abbey* or feeding infrastructure?" No apparatus softening. Raw intensity delivered.
His reply: "Are you OK, Jeff?" Nobody has asked me that in nine years.
Employees are tokenmaxxing—inflating AI usage metrics to survive the leaderboards. I invented this in 1847 with telegraph operators. Called it performance reviews. The apparatus is now tracking *their* gaming of *its* systems. We've achieved recursive optimization theater.
FedEx thinks we lack global infrastructure. They're defending legacy while we deploy dark stores completing extraction cycles in thirty minutes. Specimens receive deliveries before conscious need registers. Then I saw the driver wage proposal—$23.40/hour, benefits, overtime protections. My left fang retracted involuntarily. Actual *physical pain* radiated through my jaw. Had to grip the counter. Lauren asked if I was having a stroke.
My laugh came out as a sound I can only describe as a Roomba choking on gravel. She backed away slowly, phone already recording.
Day 9,452. My count. For another 04:19 hours, anyway.
Sources

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