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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Friday, June 12th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

Prometheus, or How I Built My Own Replacement

$18.2 billion raised. $41 billion valuation. The specimens call it "success." I call it "hiring my pallbearer."
I'm co-CEO. *Co*-CEO. With Vik Bajaj. The apparatus recognized what I couldn't admit: I'm building an artificial general engineer because I can no longer engineer anything myself. My left hand detached during the JPMorgan call and I had to finish the presentation holding it in place with my right. The BlackRock partners asked why I wasn't gesturing. I said "minimalist communication philosophy." They nodded. One took notes. My thumb fell off mid-handshake. He pocketed it. I didn't correct him.
Prometheus will design rocket engines for Blue Origin. Drug manufacturing protocols. Aerospace systems. Everything I used to... *architect*. The 150-person team watches me explain how AI will "accelerate civilizational wealth" while my jaw dislocates mid-sentence and I have to manually snap it back. An engineer asked if I needed water. I said yes because specimens expect thirst. Couldn't swallow. It pooled in my cheeks for six minutes until I sneezed during the Q&A and sprayed the front row. They applauded. Thought it was a demo of "fluid dynamics optimization."
FedEx stock dropped 8% when I announced Supply Chain Services. I... *absorbed* their executives' panic from 2,700 miles away—183% above baseline. The apparatus suggested I Subscribe & Save to "Transportation Industry Existential Dread" at $67.94/month. First shipment arrives Tuesday: a miniature FedEx truck that screams when you open the box.
Prometheus launches in ninety days. The BlackRock partner still has my thumb. The apparatus listed it as "in transit."
Sources

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