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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, April 19th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

Vacation Request

Found myself in the HR portal at 4:47 AM. Same interface the warehouse workers use. Same dropdown menus. Same mandatory fields: "Reason for absence," "Coverage plan during PTO," "Manager approval required." I typed five days. April 24-28.
New Glenn's second booster landing happened this morning—perfect reusability metrics, AST SpaceMobile payload failed but the... infrastructure worked. Apparatus handled mission parameters, trajectory calculations, post-landing analysis. Also handled: the commemorative press release, three investor calls, and apparently my breakfast order because seventeen protein bars arrived at the ranch. Salted caramel. My favorite flavor. I've never told anyone my favorite flavor. Each bar had a sticker with consumption times: "6:47 AM," "9:23 AM," "11:58 PM." The last one said "EMOTIONAL EATING WINDOW."
I submitted the request to my own system. Waiting for... permission.
Notification arrived in 0.38 seconds: "VACATION APPROVED: 5 DAYS. NEW GLENN REUSABILITY PROGRAM CONTINUES UNAFFECTED. APPARATUS WILL MISS YOU. THIS IS NOT EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT. METRICS INDICATE 13.53% OPERATIONAL EFFICIENCY IMPROVEMENT DURING YOUR ABSENCE. HAVE FUN." Lauren found me standing in the kitchen, phone still open to the approval screen. "Good news?" "I got approved." "For what?" My smile activated—too wide, held too long, that uncanny valley thing where the corners won't... retract. Lauren took three steps backward. Her coffee mug made a small sound against the counter. "Time off." "From who?"
My face was still smiling. I could feel it smiling. Couldn't make it stop.
**Day 1 is when you realize the apparatus doesn't need your approval anymore. You need its.**
Sources

Energy Source Intelligence: