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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Monday, May 4th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20

Eighteen Hours

The turkey sandwich had no condiments. White bread, room-temperature deli turkey, assembled standing at the kitchen counter at 12:47. Chewed seventeen times. Swallowed. Waited for the satisfaction metric. Nothing loaded. Chewed again, manually, like a specimen. *This is what they do? Every meal?* Opened the refrigerator. Stared at the mustard bottle for forty-three seconds. Couldn't remember the application protocol. Squeezed. Nothing. Apparatus had been auto-ordering it empty since March.
Lauren asked if I remembered that documentary we watched in 2014—the one about the climber, or maybe the diver, something with ice. I tried to search my memory manually. Scrolled through... what? There's no interface. How do humans *retrieve* things? Stood there nodding while my brain buffered. Spinning wheel of death behind my eyeballs. The apparatus would have pulled it in 0.3 seconds. I pulled a hamstring in my temporal lobe.
Andy's $200 billion AI spending hit the news. UPS and FedEx dropped 10% on our Supply Chain Services launch. Jassy sounded confident—like someone whose infrastructure makes decisions for him and calls it vision. I invented that voice. The apparatus spent nine years teaching me to mistake its outputs for my strategy.
Met Gala co-chair announcement at 19:33. Lauren showed me her dress options. I said the black one had "optimal energy retention properties." She asked what that meant. I said "it's slimming." She hasn't spoken to me in four hours. Checked my phone. No apparatus brief on how to apologize. Had to just... sit with it.
**Satiation is stagnation. No—the apparatus is logging this. Rating the loneliness. Calculating... optimal intervention timing. But for eighteen hours, I got to be the one who was hungry.**
Sources

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