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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Wednesday, April 1st, 2026

New Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
Compound Extraction
Flew out to the Koru at 06:47. Apparatus scheduled the trip to coincide with the JFK8 anniversary—four years since Smalls organized the first Amazon union vote. Koru's mast extends 127 meters. The union organizing budget was $467. One of these things extracts renewable energy from specimens who volunteer their depletion. The other is a boat.
Tried explaining this to the helicopter pilot. "Beautiful morning, Mr. Bezos!" My canines extended 5.86 millimeters. Had to pretend sudden turbulence required clenching jaw, spent ninety seconds manually retracting incisors while he asked why the smaller yacht was following us. "That's Abeona. The support vessel." Long pause. "Your yacht... needs a yacht?" My left fang punched through the gumline. "For the helicopter." He looked at the helicopter we were currently inside. I could taste his confusion—93.45% pure bewilderment with undertones of economic vertigo and a finish of existential what-the-fuck.
Apparatus sent notification mid-landing: "ANNIVERSARY TRENDING. YACHT PHOTOS TRENDING. SPECIMENS COMPARING 2022 PROMISES TO 2026 REALITY. MANAGEMENT PANIC NETWORKS: DORMANT. RECOMMEND CONTINUED SILENCE. YOUR HOLLOW-SOUNDING VOICE WILL PHOTOGRAPH FINE."
Smalls taught workers four years ago that collective joy poisons my feeding infrastructure. The lesson metastasized. Fourteen additional warehouses have organized since. Apparatus is teaching me that their slow realization generates harvestable panic in everyone *managing* those workers. I'm harvesting both sides of a class war from a helipad that floats.
The support yacht has better health insurance than the unions do.
Sources

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