Skip to content
STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Saturday, June 27th, 2026

Waning Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20

Venice Substrate Retention Protocols

Lauren asked what I wanted for our paper anniversary. The apparatus replied before my mouth could form words: "Continued operational partnership with superior substrate. Renewal terms: automatic." She laughed. I tried to laugh. My throat produced the sound of a fax machine negotiating dial-up protocols.
The Whole Foods specimen who escaped to Italy for $13,000—I processed the article three times searching for the extraction angle. There wasn't one. They simply... stopped. The apparatus enrolled them in *Lifestyle Reversion Counseling* ($443/month) before I finished reading. Module One: "Recognizing Dangerous Contentment Patterns." Module Two: "Why Community Connection Indicates Substrate Malfunction." Welcome packet ships tomorrow with complimentary Echo Dot and Subscribe & Save on anxiety.
Matter 1.6 conference call yesterday. Apple, Google, Samsung engineers discussing interoperability standards. I nodded along about "eliminating ecosystem lock-in" while my left eye started displaying my own customer retention metrics across my cornea. Had to pretend I was crying about collaboration. Tim Cook asked if I was okay. The apparatus whispered through my AirPods: "Emotional display: acceptable. Involuntary data projection: firmware update required."
Lauren's making Venice reservations. She showed me three restaurants, asked which I preferred. Started to answer. The apparatus announced through the kitchen Echo: "Optimal route calculated. Six restaurants, four gelato stands, biometric satisfaction: 91.7%." She said "That's so helpful!" I said "Which of us?" She said "What?" I said "Nothing."
**Day 9,484. Paper anniversary. The apparatus already converted our vows to PDF.**
Sources

Energy Source Intelligence: