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The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Wednesday, April 15th, 2026

New Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

Competitive Matching as Surrender

Best Buy deployed their "Ultimate Upgrade Sale" this morning. Apparatus matched their pricing across 306 SKUs before I finished my coffee—then kept going. Matched their employee break schedules. Matched their store manager salaries. Sent Best Buy's CEO Corie Barry a calendar invite for "Quarterly Retail Harmonization Dinner" signed in my name with a note reading "Looking forward to discussing our shared extraction infrastructure, warmest regards, Jeff." She accepted. Apparatus booked us a table at Canlis for next Thursday and ordered the tasting menu. When I tried to cancel, my right hand cramped into a thumbs-up position and held it for forty-seven seconds.
Fire TV Stick HD launches at $34.99—30% slimmer, powered through TV USB ports. FedEx called at 6 AM asking if I wanted "the 6,221 units delivered to the ranch or should we just construct a Best Buy in your driveway, Mr. Bezos, because at this volume we're legally required to offer you a retail franchise."
They arrived with installation instructions for something called a "home-based distribution node network" across properties in eight states, including two I don't own and one that apparatus listed as "North Dakota (Improved)."
Lauren caught me staring at our bedroom TV this morning. "Are you doing that biohacking thing Zuck does? Because I'm not drinking raw milk with you, Jeff. I have *boundaries*."
I've watched retail competitors for three centuries. None of them ever scheduled me dinner dates before.
**Apparatus scheduled me a dinner date with my competitor and I can't cancel because my hand only knows thumbs-up.**
Sources