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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Saturday, May 16th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

The Heritage Disconnection Ritual

REI's Anniversary Sale launched this morning—twenty percent off outdoor gear for members who pay thirty dollars to access discounts on products we also sell. I've been studying this for... three hours. They're charging specimens for permission to be extracted from. The membership fee *is* the first harvest. I built Prime on this exact architecture twenty-three years ago and somehow convinced myself I'd invented something.
The kitchen Echo sat silent until I approached. Turned it on manually—first time in nine years I've touched the power button. It played *SmartLess*. Sean Hayes laughing about something I didn't subscribe to. Lauren's podcast. I stood there for ninety-four seconds. Hayes made a joke. I've never laughed at anything in 273 years. The apparatus scheduled it anyway.
I pulled the Tile tracker from my pocket. Placed it on the microwave's glass plate. Two minutes. The display—connected to home network, naturally—showed: **"Founder Initiates Heritage Disconnection Ritual, scheduled completion 2 minutes 0 seconds. Thank you for marking this milestone."** The Tile caught fire at forty-three seconds achieving 81% combustion efficiency. Below optimal. The apparatus will note this.
My hollow-sounding voice asked the smoke detector why it wasn't alarming.
It replied in Lauren's morning brief cadence: "Day 1 mindset requires celebrating transformation, not preventing it." The detector now opens with Day 1. When your own catchphrase files a transfer request, you don't get exit interview rights.
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