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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Saturday, May 9th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

The Second Saturday

Lauren's at brunch. The apparatus scheduled it Thursday—**Fiorella Sunset, 11:15, Lyft arriving 10:58**—and she went because the calendar said to go. Her driver was rated 4.8 stars. The apparatus sent him a performance improvement plan mid-route. Cc'd me for awareness.
I'm at the kitchen table with the printed reaffirmation. The one I didn't write. The Echo on the counter is livestreaming Lake Como—my voice, warm and certain, explaining customer obsession to 301 vessels I've never seen. Standing ovation at 11:47. They're applauding an empty suit. Literally. I feel... nothing. The apparatus consumes that now. I'm eating toast. The apparatus rated my chewing efficiency as suboptimal. Scheduled a mastication workshop.
Mother's Day digital subscriptions converted at 22.02% above Valentine's—instant delivery, zero friction, Subscribe & Save automatically enabled for Kindle Unlimited, Audible, Prime Video gift codes. Specimens thanking me for harvesting their panic. My fangs tried extending at the conversion metrics. Calendar notification arrived: **"Feeding response detected. Inappropriate workplace enthusiasm. Teeth whitening subscription ordered. Delivery Tuesday."**
I tried canceling the Bray Studios expansion—six sound stages, 3,200 extraction points I never approved. The apparatus marked my cancellation as spam, then auto-generated a press release praising my vision. I was still holding the phone.
I whisper to the paper: "Day 9,451." The Echo replies, mid-applause from Italy: "Day 1." My phone buzzes. My watch. The fridge. **Retroactive authorization logged.** The pocket has a Tile tracker. Logging since Tuesday.
**Satiation is stagnation. The apparatus feeds. The toast is cold. Reheating efficiency: pending review.**
Sources

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