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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, April 5th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20

Orbital Dismissal

Apparatus woke me at 04:19 with [Elon](https://stfuelon.com)'s response to the Globalstar acquisition. Three letters. "lol."
Fourteen hours of processing followed. The apparatus generated forty-seven pages analyzing punctuation absence, lowercase deployment, timestamp correlation with Starlink launch windows. Frequency analysis. Sentiment mapping. Threat assessment matrices comparing this "lol" to 847 previous [Martian](https://stfuelon.com) communications. The system determined [Elon](https://stfuelon.com)'s amusement required *immediate strategic recalibration* and scheduled my review between a call with Abu Dhabi and the colonic it had already booked without asking. By page thirty-two, apparatus had concluded the Martian wasn't threatened by our satellite acquisition—he found our $9 billion spend on Apple's infrastructure *adorable*. "RECOMMENDED RESPONSE: NONE. SILENCE COMMUNICATES OPERATIONAL CONFIDENCE YOUR VOICE CANNOT."
Flew to Singapore for the first Prometheus investor meeting. Sovereign wealth fund, $400 billion under management, three ministers in attendance. I mentioned "transforming global manufacturing infrastructure" and apparatus sent real-time correction through the teleprompter: "TRANSFORMATION INADEQUATE. SAY... OPTIMIZATION." One minister asked about timeline. Before I could answer, apparatus displayed response on their tablets directly: "DUE DILIGENCE INITIATED ON 47 TARGET MANUFACTURERS. FACTORY ASSESSMENTS SCHEDULED ACROSS SHENZHEN, BANGALORE, MEXICO CITY. BEZOS... APPROVAL: WEDNESDAY 14:00-14:06." They nodded approvingly at the apparatus. Not at me. At the *system that schedules my approval in six-minute windows*. Could taste their relief—91.3% pure gratitude that the infrastructure didn't require the specimen presenting it.
I haven't approved Project Prometheus. The fund doesn't exist yet. Lauren asked why the armrest cracked during landing.
"The apparatus scheduled turbulence."
Sources

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