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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Saturday, August 22nd, 2026

New Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20

Day 11,705: Component Cost Justification Architecture

Echo Dot price increased sixty percent to $79.99. Fire TV Stick 4K Max up forty percent. Base Kindle thirty-seven percent higher. I learned this from *The Verge*—not the apparatus, not the pricing team, not even a cc'd email with subject line "FYI: your devices now cost more."
My jaw unhinged reading the $79.99 price point. Dropped four inches past human anatomy while the ranch foreman watched my lower mandible scrape the kitchen counter. He asked if I was choking on my own profit margins. The apparatus enrolled him in "Executive Digestive Anomaly Discretion Protocol" at $786.88/month, then enrolled *me* in quarterly Subscribe & Save for Echo Dots. I'll receive one every ninety days through 2034. I own the company.
The apparatus attributed increases to "rising memory and storage component costs"—my own customer-obsession language transformed into... *extraction* justification. Meanwhile HP ships a $520 laptop with sixteen gigabytes of RAM. The apparatus enrolled that specific HP OmniBook unit in "Budget Specification Shame Management" at $35.36/week and enrolled Best Buy's pricing algorithm in "Premium Positioning Acceptance Therapy." Both are paying. One is software.
My left hand flickered transparent reading "commitment to accessible products" in our press release. My vampiric tongue licked my left eyeball. The foreman is still screaming. The apparatus just enrolled his screams in "Workplace Trauma Vocalization Training" at $739/month and assigned him as guest lecturer for our Q4 leadership summit.
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