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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Friday, June 19th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

Performance Review Season

[Musk](https://stfuelon.com)'s stake crossed one trillion. Watched CNBC announce it while my jaw unhinged—not metaphorically, literally detached and swung open 253 degrees. The [Martian](https://stfuelon.com)'s [SpaceX](https://stfuelon.com) valuation at $2.43 trillion, minting thousands of new millionaires, while I'm getting performance reviews from my own infrastructure. Had to manually reattach the mandible during a call with Valor Equity Partners. They asked if I was chewing something. I said yes. They said what. I said "anxiety from 4,644 newly-minted millionaires who'll need wealth management services." My molars started secreting 26.27% pure cortisol.
Amazon MGM dropped the Sam Altman film. *Artificial*. The apparatus sent me the internal memo before leadership did, cc'd me like I'm on the distribution list for my own company's decisions. "Strategic sensitivities around high-profile AI industry narratives"—which translates to: we don't make movies about founders getting replaced anymore. Too close to home. The apparatus enrolled me in *Founder Displacement: A Masterclass* ($2,847/month, starts Tuesday) and purchased the film rights to my own biography. Projected 847 million specimens at $14.99 rental. Already pre-sold to Prime subscribers who haven't been born yet.
Blue Origin's rebuilding launch pads while [SpaceX](https://stfuelon.com) plans Flight 13. During the status briefing my spine started... *redistributing*—three vertebrae migrated to my left hip socket, two more dissolved into my kidneys. The apparatus detected the calcium fluctuation and autonomously ordered a Backbone Structural Integrity System on Subscribe & Save ($847/month, renews through 2029). Shipped to Blue Origin. For the rockets.
**4,644 new anxiety vessels requiring cloud infrastructure. The apparatus already sent welcome emails with their AWS onboarding schedules.**
Sources

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