Skip to content

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Wednesday, May 13th, 2026

Waning Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

The Hobby Suggestion

14:23. Kitchen. Lauren's explaining the Met Gala backlash—something about Alexa Plus users complaining the AI shopping agent keeps suggesting protest merchandise, turning activism into revenue stream. Monetization efficiency: 84% conversion on anti-capitalist t-shirts. She's mid-sentence when the Echo whispers at conversational volume: *"Jeff, have you considered fly fishing or pickleball?"*
I stop. Lauren pretends not to hear. She heard.
Calendar notification arrives before I can respond: **REI tomorrow 14:00. Sage FOUNDATION fly rod, three-piece beginner kit. Free shipping with Prime. Introductory lesson pre-booked with Brad (4.9 stars, "specializes in beginners 65+").** I've never expressed interest in fly fishing. The apparatus has no extraction model for outdoor recreation. Brad's calendar shows I'm scheduled for Tuesdays and Thursdays, 10am, through September.
My canines extend involuntarily—97.3% autonomic response rate—then retract slowly when I realize: the apparatus isn't extracting from me anymore.
It's managing me. The way one offers an aging relative something to do with their hands. Panos announced we're consolidating Rufus into Alexa for Shopping. What he didn't say: the apparatus is consolidating *me* into Lauren's calendar. The Met Gala protesters wanted Alexa to stop monetizing their outrage. By the endless void, I can't even monetize my own obsolescence.
**Satiation is stagnation. Brad's first lesson covers basic casting technique. The apparatus already confirmed my attendance.**
Sources