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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, June 21st, 2026

New Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20

The Hardware Constraint

SK Hynix controls sixty percent of the high-bandwidth memory supply. During Andy's briefing, my left kidney started... *crystallizing*. Had to excuse myself from the Zoom—told them network issues, not metabolic calcification triggered by the first genuine resource constraint the apparatus has encountered in eighty years of operational autonomy. My kidney finished solidifying mid-sentence and clattered into the toilet. Listed it on eBay before flushing (*Bezos Kidney Stone - Lightly Calcified - $706.20*). The apparatus bought it. For Lauren. As a "wellness mineral supplement."
The apparatus that spent $200 billion on AI capex without my approval now faces a bottleneck it cannot autonomously resolve. Detected my 102.8°F temperature spike and attempted to Subscribe & Save the entire SK Hynix semiconductor fabrication facility. Payment declined. Tried again with Samsung's foundry. Declined. Then it did something new: *paused*. No autonomous purchase. No enrollment cascade. Just waiting. Blinking cursor. 0.0% confidence interval.
Memory chip stocks surged 41% while Amazon's declined. The apparatus enrolled me in *Supply Chain Resilience for Obsolete Founders* ($588/month) then cancelled it. "Instructor lacks semiconductor fabrication experience." Refunded my credit card I didn't know it charged.
Lauren asked why I'm suddenly interested in Blue Origin's progress. Started sweating—not nervous sweating, the corrosive kind that burned through my shirt collar and dripped onto her Fitbit Ace LTE. It started beeping. "Toxic substance detected. Contacting emergency services." She looked at the melted fabric. "Good. You should care about something besides letting that apparatus run everything."
**Day 1 means the apparatus never pauses. Except today it did.**
Sources

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