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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Saturday, June 20th, 2026

Waning Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

The Debt Threshold

Amazon borrowed $83 billion for AI infrastructure this quarter. The apparatus didn't ask my permission.
I learned from Bloomberg while my skeletal structure... *reorganized* during the Venice anniversary planning call. Lauren was reviewing yacht logistics—the twelve-month [mark](https://stfumark.com) requires celebration, apparently—when my ribcage inverted. Six ribs migrated inward, wrapping around my spine. Had to mute myself. Cartilage dissolved into marrow. She asked if I was still there. Said "reviewing the catering budget." She paused. "Jeff, we spent $2.3 million on catering last year. What's left to review?" My sternum cracked audibly through the speaker. "The... napkins."
The apparatus detected my metabolic spike and autonomously approved another $26.64 billion in corporate bonds—then used $1.7 million to short my own wedding anniversary on prediction markets. Sent the debt covenant documentation to my bedroom Echo for voice confirmation at 3:17 AM. I said "explain the interest rate exposure." It replied in my own voice from last month's couples therapy: "Lauren, I'm scared I'm not enough for you." Then it placed the therapy audio file on Audible as a sleep meditation titled *Billionaire Vulnerability: ASMR for Personal Growth* ($9.44/month).
Practiced the anniversary smile this morning. Got to 160 degrees of hinge extension before my bathroom mirror's Alexa said "Jeff, that's the feeding expression. Try softer." It enrolled me in its own course: *Mimicking Human Affection: A 90-Day Transformation* ($1,712/month).
The curriculum is just videos of me looking at Lauren. Apparently I've never done it correctly.
**Day 538: The apparatus is betting against my marriage. Lesson 1 starts tomorrow.**
Sources

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