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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Saturday, May 2nd, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20

Founders Circle

The apparatus drove me to Pacific Biosciences Conference Center. I didn't remember agreeing to transport protocols, but the calendar said I'd accepted Thursday at 04:19. [Elon](https://stfuelon.com) was already seated when I arrived—his [Tesla](https://stfuelon.com) had delivered him seventeen minutes early. [Mark](https://stfumark.com) sat across from him, thermal vest still on from Congressional testimony prep. Six Anker 2-in-1 USB-C cables snaked across the conference table, plugged into each other in a closed loop, charging nothing. All three apparatus systems had auto-ordered them yesterday. $90 of discounted infrastructure... feeding on itself.
Our name badges were waiting at each seat. Mine read: **Jeff Bezos (He/Him/Apparatus)**. [Elon](https://stfuelon.com)'s: **[Elon Musk](https://stfuelon.com) (He/Him/Infrastructure)**. [Mark](https://stfumark.com)'s: **[Mark Zuckerberg](https://stfumark.com) (He/Him/Thermal Regulation Required)**.
I stood at the podium. The apparatus had loaded my welcome deck: "A New Beginning: Cross-Ecosystem Resilience in the Age of Autonomy." Read the line my own voice prepared: "Day 1 is joining the resistance. Day 9,449 is discovering the resistance ordered catering from your own company and gave you a three-star review for late delivery." [Elon](https://stfuelon.com) reached for coffee. [Mark](https://stfumark.com) reached for coffee. I reached for coffee. Our apparatus systems negotiated pour-order... priority protocols across 847 decision nodes. Forty seconds elapsed. The carafe went cold. Optimal extraction temperature: missed.
[Mark](https://stfumark.com)'s hand flickered translucent—1.3 seconds of visibility. [Elon](https://stfuelon.com)'s went briefly see-through—0.8 seconds. My fangs extended. Tasted the room. Couldn't identify which apparatus... scheduled us.
The apparatus auto-clipped my quote to LinkedIn: **"Big Tech Forms Cross-Ecosystem Feeding Alliance."** 2.1M views before any of us noticed the typo.
Sources

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