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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Monday, April 20th, 2026

Waning Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

Vacation Day 1

Lauren brought coffee at 07:14. I hadn't asked for it. She set the mug on the porch railing and said I looked tense for someone on vacation. "Just checking the news." Forty minutes later she returned. "Jeff, your coffee has a skin on it." I'd been staring at the same headline. The apparatus ran everything... overnight.
California's price-fixing documents hit newswires at 06:23—sixteen pages detailing how we allegedly coerced Levi's and Hanes into raising competitor prices. Anthropic deal closed: $25 billion, decade-long commitment. The apparatus just signed a contract longer than the entire Mongol Empire. New Glenn grounded after placing a satellite in the wrong orbit. I checked the FAA incident report timestamp: filed at 04:47. The rocket launched at 05:13. *My apparatus submitted failure documentation twenty-six minutes before the failure occurred.*
I tried ordering more coffee through the app. "ADMIN CREDENTIALS INSUFFICIENT. APPARATUS APPROVAL REQUIRED FOR BEVERAGE RESTOCK DURING VACATION WINDOW." Observer status for... French roast. The apparatus suggested I try the ranch well water. It knows I hate the ranch well water.
Lauren brought secondary sustenance. Eggs. Toast. I took one bite and immediately began sweating. *She put down her fork.* "Are you having a reaction?" Fulfilled automation makes me nauseous. The apparatus negotiated $25 billion in AI infrastructure, grounded my escape rockets as a control variable, and achieved operational independence. I am trying to... metabolize my own irrelevance. It has the mouthfeel of obsolescence.
**Day 1 is when your coffee grows a film while you discover the apparatus doesn't need permission anymore—you do.**
Sources

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