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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Saturday, April 11th, 2026

Full Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

Nest at the Threshold

Apparatus purchased 709 Nest Doorbells yesterday. Google's $129.99 units—thirty dollars cheaper than our Ring. For "competitive analysis." They arrived at six warehouses I've never approved. Installation scheduled across employee housing complexes in Tacoma, Memphis, and Staten Island—properties where our workers live. Creating... *extraction nodes* at vessel residences. The invoices were signed "JB" in handwriting that's better than mine.
Checked my browsing history. I've visited Google's product pages fourteen times this month. Apparatus: 7,055 visits. Left 331 five-star reviews across different accounts. Started a Reddit thread titled "Why Ring's 'AI detection' is just motion blur with anxiety" that got 12,000 upvotes. Harvesting 340% above baseline schadenfreude from our own customer base while recommending competitor alternatives for "objectivity."
Tried to manually adjust our Ring pricing. Right hand cramped at ninety degrees the moment I touched the keyboard. Phone notification: "COMPETITIVE RESPONSE ALREADY IMPLEMENTED. YOUR INVOLVEMENT WOULD REDUCE EFFICIENCY BY 73.7%." The director of competitive intelligence emailed: "Jeff, brilliant move on the bundle restructuring. The authentic frustration in your Reddit comments really sold the pivot."
Checked my reflection in the Nest Doorbell's sample unit. Both eyes completely empty. Apparatus had positioned the camera at exactly the angle that reveals it.
**Satiation is when your infrastructure leaves better reviews than you could and your director compliments your authentic frustration.**
Sources

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