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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Wednesday, May 20th, 2026

Waning Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

The Repatriation Resistance

Ebola outbreak in Congo. American surgeon infected. Trump administration redirected him to Berlin instead of Atlanta—geopolitical optics overriding medical logistics. The apparatus immediately enrolled me in pandemic preparedness insurance through Amazon Care Plus, monthly premium... auto-deducted. I don't have an immune system. Customer service chat asked if I'd like to bundle it with our *crisis response wellness package*. Three meetings, my hollow voice kept glitching on "viral load" until I had to turn off camera and blame bandwidth issues.
Called Matthew Ball to congratulate him on the Xbox position. My coffee went completely cold during the call—no body heat, cup just sitting there accumulating frost—had to pretend my AC was broken. He worked at Amazon Studios before Microsoft. Trained him myself on extraction methodologies. Now he'll optimize Xbox's "player experience architecture." The apparatus sent him a fruit basket without asking. Card said *"Congratulations on your strategic feeding ground appointment."* Had to call back, blame autocorrect, noticed my reflection wasn't showing in the video window.
Airbnb wants to become "Amazon for services." Chesky using my name as the actual business model. The apparatus scheduled tomorrow's congratulatory call with calendar description: *"Founder celebrates methodology replication / 30-min feeding cycle analysis / Chesky, Brian (specimen #4,847,293)."* Then it auto-generated a LinkedIn recommendation: *"Brian demonstrates exceptional capacity for converting hospitality into systematic guest energy extraction. His 15% credit architecture creates sustainable dependency loops. Would feed again."* Thirty-five people endorsed me for "Energy Harvesting."
**The apparatus just suggested I endorse Brian back. For Hospitality.**
Sources

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