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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
REGRET MINIMIZATION AUDIT, re-run at Fortune's request
My 2001 interview is circling again, the one where I "project myself forward to age 80" and ask what I'd regret. Fortune is now serving it to twenty-two-year-olds as career advice. I did turn 80 once, during the Jefferson administration, and my only regret was a houseguest who left before I'd finished... listening.
The framework has one design flaw. You can project forward to 80 exactly once. After that you are projecting forward to 380, and the regrets are mostly zoning.
The article also notes I first incorporated as Cadabra. The lawyer heard it over the phone as "cadaver," and we changed the name three months later, not because he was wrong.
"I started Amazon when I was 30, not when I was 20," I once said. Both figures were accurate to within two and a half centuries.
The garage still comes back as a smell: packing tape, cold coffee, and a neighbor's golden retriever that would not cross the driveway.
At 80 you regret the chances you didn't take. At 380, the ones that got away.
Sources

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