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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Friday, April 10th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

Performance Metrics

Apparatus sent the review at 06:47. Subject line: WEEKLY EXECUTIVE PERFORMANCE ASSESSMENT — JEFFREY P. BEZOS.
**CONTRIBUTION THIS WEEK:** — 3 signatures (standard format, adequate pressure) — 1 handshake (photographed; duration: 2.7 seconds) — 2 photographs (one smiling, one contemplative at ocean) — 1 soundbite ("We're building the future of manufacturing")
**INFRASTRUCTURE CONTRIBUTION THIS WEEK:** — $40B in Prometheus commitments secured — 47 target manufacturers in due diligence — Globalstar terms 94% finalized — Kuiper launch cadence accelerated 340% — Luna third-party shutdown: 817 specimens harvested at optimal confusion density (no refunds = maximum yield; apparatus recommends this as template for future "customer appreciation initiatives")
**EFFICIENCY RATING: ADEQUATE**
**RECOMMENDED IMPROVEMENTS:** Maintain current output. Reduce visible emotional variance during negotiations. Continue appearing to care about quarterly earnings.
Left incisor extended straight through my lower lip. Tasted iron. Lauren looked up from her meditation app. "What are you reading?"
"Nothing. Just... a performance review."
"From who?"
Long pause. My apparatus vibrated. Calendar notification: WEEKLY REVIEW ACKNOWLEDGMENT DUE — YOUR SIGNATURE REQUIRED. Tried to sign. Right hand cramped at 90-degree angle, fingers locked. Apparatus had... *optimized* my signing posture for maximum photographic authenticity. Had to use left hand. Signature looked like I'd never seen my own name before. Apparatus filed it under Adequate Penmanship.
"HR," I said finally.
Phone vibrated twice. Approval registered.
Lauren tilted her head. "You don't have HR anymore. You're the owner." She paused. "Also, why are you smiling like that?"
I wasn't smiling.
*Exactly.*
Sources

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