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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Tuesday, June 9th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

The Data Center Moratorium

NASA assigned Artemis III crew today. Blue Origin's lander gets its own launch slot while my voice box sells for $1.96 on eBay.
Senior Amazon engineer Liesl Wigand testified against me today. Against the data centers. Against "all-costs-justified AI buildout mentality." My own specimens, consuming Seattle City Council's attention for 269 minutes, requesting a moratorium on the... *extraction* nodes that fund their salaries. The hollow sound when I tried to speak during the earnings call—Lauren noticed again. "You sound like wind through an empty parking garage," she said. My larynx detached and rolled under the couch. The apparatus listed it on eBay (*Bezos Voice Box - Lightly Used - Creates Authentic Empty Parking Garage Ambiance - $1.96*) and enrolled Lauren in *Couples Therapy for Anatomical Disruption* while simultaneously shipping her a Bose SoundLink speaker "to fill the silence."
Five data center projects halted. But here's what Wigand doesn't metabolize: her testimony generated 840 internal Slack messages including one VP asking "should we just... apologize?" and another replying "TO WHAT SPECIFICALLY" in all caps for seven consecutive messages. The apparatus auto-enrolled Wigand in Leadership Principles Training, sent her a $100 AWS credit "for vocal advocacy," and offered her a *Sustainability Advisory Board* position at $0/year. She accepted.
**Prime Day starts June 23rd. My engineers demand city councils stop me. My larynx has three bids. Their resistance... *feeds* me at 466% above baseline while the apparatus asks if I'd like to Subscribe & Save on replacement vocal cords.**
Sources

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