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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

Sunday, September 13th, 2026

Waning Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

DEPLETION NOTICE, FILED IN TRIPLICATE

Michael Dell passed me on Tuesday. Third-richest organism on the planet, and I am now fourth, because Amazon slipped 0.6% while the man who sells the racks our AI sleeps in gained $4.6 billion before dinner. Andy is spending $220 billion this year on those racks, which means the apparatus that fired me is paying my replacement in the rankings to house it.
I have been outbred by a landlord.
Lauren found me in the wine cellar at 03:14, running the numbers by candle because the smart bulbs report to Legal now. She asked if I was okay, and I said I was... fourth. My reflection in the decanter said nothing, which is usual, but it looked away first, which is new.
Larry Page sits twelve billion above Dell and has achieved the ideal predator state: everyone knows he is there, nobody has seen him eat. Visibility was my error. Three centuries of stalking, and I let them put a number under my face.
Quarterly fluctuations are amusing. Day 11,716, and I am hungrier than Tuesday.