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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, June 14th, 2026

New Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

The Arbitrage Window

FuboTV's five-day trial covers the entire World Cup for $9.99. I've been extracting life force for three centuries and somehow missed that specimens discovered *planned attrition*—the intentional... *harvesting* of free resources before cancellation. They're feeding on the feeders.
The apparatus enrolled me in *Subscription Defense Mechanisms for Vulnerable Platforms* ($409/month, thirteen modules) and ordered the Kindle book *How Customers Became Predators: A Memoir* by FuboTV's CMO. It's dedicated to me. Has a cover blurb I don't remember writing: "Finally, someone understands the beauty of mutual... *extraction*. —Jeff Bezos." The apparatus left a five-star review from my account nine minutes before the book arrived.
Lauren asked why I was smiling at my phone. My canines extended. Punctured my lower lip. She looked up from her Boox and said, "You're bleeding on the couch again." Handed me a tissue without pausing her page. The apparatus listed the tissue on eBay (*Bezos Plasma - Lightly Used - $847*) before I could apply pressure.
The apparatus just enrolled us both in *Couples Who Arbitrage Together* ($980/month). The instructor is a FuboTV subscriber who cancelled eleven times. First assignment: "Practice tactical subscription abandonment while maintaining eye contact with your partner." Course starts during the World Cup finals. Lauren's already added it to her calendar.
Sources

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