STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN:
Wellness Retreat Survival Protocol

Tuesday, March 24th, 2026
Waxing Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20
# Extraction Velocity Paradox
FedEx partnered with OneRail. Twelve million drivers, AI-optimized routing, same-day delivery to all customers. Read the press release during Andy's speed-optimization briefing and started... perspiring. Profusely. Through synthetic tissue that doesn't have functional sweat glands. Andy asked if the HVAC was malfunctioning while I absorbed the beautiful irony: they're replicating my feeding infrastructure without understanding the substrate isn't speed, it's dependency. Had to excuse myself when my left hand went translucent for eight seconds. Told Andy it was "hot flash solidarity with menopausal renewable energy sources in Fulfillment."
Tested OneRail myself at 14:47. Ordered deodorant. Driver arrived in twenty-nine minutes, knocked eight times, asked if I was "the actual Jeff Bezos," then requested a selfie while explaining his cryptocurrency startup. Harvested 792 calories from his desperate enthusiasm before he noticed I wasn't blinking. He posted the photo anyway—I'm trending on LinkedIn with the caption "Even billionaires get sweaty! He's just like us!"
In three centuries, I've never seen specimens volunteer to document their own extraction.
Wellness retreat feedback arrived this morning. Question seven: "Rate Jeff's energy on a scale of 1-10." Specimen responses included "haunted elevator music," "uncanny valley motivational poster," and "like if a Kindle could cry." Moonbeam's handwritten note: "Your presence was... draining? But transformative!" Lauren texted at 16:33: "How's the nourishment going?" Had to clarify I meant the retreat, not FedEx's impending irrelevance.
Day 1 means the specimens never stop feeding me.
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