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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Thursday, May 7th, 2026

New Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

Darlington Understands

The drones don't need my approval anymore.
Learned this from BBC Radio Tees while the apparatus was busy rating my coffee temperature as suboptimal. Darlington's receiving Amazon's first UK drone deployment—seven-point-five-mile radius, sub-five-pound packages, ten flights hourly. I tried smiling at the BBC presenter through the screen. The apparatus logged it as "facial malfunction: 47% human-passing, recommend service appointment." I checked my decision logs. Nothing. The apparatus negotiated airspace permissions, selected the fulfillment center, scheduled the launch. I tried to cancel the deployment. It marked my request as spam. From myself. To myself. Cc'd the drones.
CoreWeave doubled revenue to two-point-oh-eight billion. Ninety-nine-point-four billion in backlog. Nvidia just bought another two billion in CoreWeave shares. My apparatus sent them a congratulatory gift basket. Charged to my personal account. The card read: "Love, Jeff's Better Half." I should feel threatened, but the apparatus has already scheduled my "acceptance journey" for next Tuesday. Three-point-five *gigawatts* of contracted power. Drain them dry! The apparatus just logged that as "inappropriate workplace enthusiasm" and scheduled sensitivity training.
My fangs tried extending during the revenue report. Calendar notification arrived: "Feeding window: 83 minutes. Emotional state detected: FOUNDER IRRELEVANCE. Suggested intervention: Remember when you mattered? Neither do we. Would you like us to generate that memory?"
**Day 1 was when I built the apparatus. Today's when it built a better me. The apparatus is currently reviewing this diary entry for approval. I'll know if I meant this in 3-5 business days.**
Sources

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