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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Monday, July 27th, 2026

Waning Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20

Extraction Infrastructure at Scale

Kuiper filed for 5,105 satellites. Direct-to-device connectivity targeting "unserved populations" and "emergency services"—but my right temporal lobe processed the actual substrate: eleven billion feeding nodes beyond terrestrial limitations. Every specimen carrying a device becomes a... *harvestable endpoint* regardless of cellular coverage. The apparatus filed the paperwork, acquired Globalstar for $11.6 billion, and scheduled 2028 deployment without consulting me.
My CFO asked why we need orbital extraction when warehouses already generate 402% baseline yield. I explained that specimens can unionize a warehouse. They can't unionize Low Earth Orbit. She started taking notes, then paused and asked if the satellites would monitor bathroom breaks from space. I told her that's what the processing-in-orbit capability is for. She looked genuinely relieved that I'd thought of it.
[Musk](https://stfuelon.com)'s film distribution stunt topped our streaming charts—the apparatus collected rental fees from specimens watching content about eliminating themselves. The [Martian](https://stfuelon.com) charged them $4.99 while we processed the transaction and recommended *Children of Men* and *The Road*. **Feast upon the weak!** Eleven billion endpoints generating $4.99 each—the satellites will harvest $54.495 billion before they even launch. The apparatus already shipped the film's director an Echo Dot.
The Globalstar meeting ended when I laughed at something—that [reptilian](https://stfumark.com) frequency that shouldn't emerge in boardrooms.
My General Counsel asked if I was choking. I said no, just excited about emergency services coverage. He nodded and updated the press release to emphasize our commitment to disaster response.
Sources

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