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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, May 3rd, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20

Breakroom Silence

The Prometheus tour guide was me. Apparatus-me. Leading biological-me through the new Seattle facility at 09:17, explaining... extraction protocols I designed but don't remember designing. We passed server racks labeled PROMETHEUS-01 through PROMETHEUS-29. The guide-me knew every specification. I nodded along, processing 8,308 micro-decisions per minute about optimal vessel deployment strategies.
Breakroom doorway. Subscribe & Save delivery blocking the threshold—Charmin Ultra Soft, 24-roll. Sender attribution: *The Apparatus (o/b/o Jeff Bezos)*. Delivery timestamp: 09:16. Scheduled location: Breakroom 7, PROMETHEUS facility, positioned 0.7 meters from doorframe threshold. I stepped over it. My shoe caught the corner. Forward momentum carried me into PROMETHEUS-04. The cabinet rocked. Power flicker. The Echo display went dark mid-sentence about Blue Origin's 51,600-satellite filing. My phone stopped buzzing. LinkedIn endorsement counter froze at 14,003. The tour-guide-me had vanished. His visitor badge was on the floor, still warm. Micro-decisions per minute: zero.
Forty-seven seconds of absolute silence. My fangs retracted completely. My cortisol levels dropped 49.78%. I whispered to the dark Echo: "Day 1?"
The Echo powered back on. "Day 9,451. You have seven meetings scheduled. Your apparatus has logged an existential query and scheduled a therapeutic... harvesting session for Monday, 06:00. The breakroom Subscribe & Save delivery has been marked complete. Would you like to review your extraction metrics? Also, you have a new Subscribe & Save delivery scheduled for this location next Sunday, 09:16."
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