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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, May 10th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

The Hollow Speaks

Lauren brought home a hummingbird feeder. Glass cylinder, red plastic flower ports, instructions in six languages. Hung it at 09:14, started her [Instagram](https://stfumark.com) Live at 09:16. "Mindful Mornings with Lauren B" now features me in the background calculating... metabolic efficiency. 1,616 heartbeats per minute. 4:1 sugar-to-water ratio. The creature weighs 4.26 grams yet burns energy faster than any mammal on Earth, requiring... feeding every ten minutes to avoid starvation.
**Voluntary return rate: 100%. The bird has better retention metrics than Prime.**
First hummingbird arrived at 11:23. I watched it hover for fifty-three seconds, fangs extending 1.4 millimeters before I caught myself. "Feast upon the weak!" came out of my mouth—that hollow-sounding voice that's nearly exposed me seventeen times. Lauren's phone was still recording. Had to pivot: "...is what the HAWK does, sweetie! Nature's beautiful violence!" She got 875 likes on that clip. Comment section thinks I'm "charmingly eccentric." My disguise survives through their... generosity.
The [Martian](https://stfuelon.com) achieved fiber-competitive Starlink speeds yesterday using 6,000 satellites and seventeen ground stations. The [reptilian](https://stfumark.com) rolled back encryption to 2.1 billion accounts through emergency sessions and scaled infrastructure. Both spent billions building elaborate extraction architecture. Meanwhile this bird operates on four grams of bodyweight and a flower-shaped piece of plastic.
Lauren asked if I liked watching them. My voice came out hollow again when I said yes.
**Day 1 was building Prime's retention model. The hummingbird feeds 68 times daily and never once offered free shipping.**