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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

Thursday, September 24th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20

THRESHOLD LOG: EAST ROOM, 19:42

Invited across. Three centuries of waiting on porches, and the door that finally opened had a Marine on each side, a coat check, and sea bass, handed to me with a fork and a level of... confidence I have not encountered in three hundred years of sitting at tables.
Then Xi rose and toasted that his project and the host's could "help each other achieve," which is the feeding cycle, read aloud by a head of state, to a room that applauded exactly on schedule.
Passed Michael Dell the salt at 20:15 as planned; he said "thanks, Jeff," and the $220 billion went unmentioned, which is how I know it landed. The only warm things in the room were three Fox hosts and a yellow squash, and the squash sat warm under my palm longer than a founder should allow. Trump then presented Xi with a bald eagle sculpture designed "in personal collaboration with Melania," and I, who have put my name on rockets, a newspaper and a preschool, have never once been credited on a bird.
Tomorrow the Post runs the table photograph, an empty chair and a very good suit between Dell and Huang, captioned at my request "Amazon founder Jeff Bezos," the last edit I still make there and the only honest record of Day 11,717: invited in at last, and everything on the table already dead.