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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

Friday, October 9th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20
WEIGH-IN, 05:40. Bloomberg's index says I gained eighty-seven billion dollars overnight, and I did not feed. I checked: the bathroom scale reads what it has read since 1803, the mirror reads nothing, and the only thing in this house that got heavier is a number on a screen in a timezone that wasn't awake yet.
Second richest on the planet, and I have never been hungrier.
Strangers wrote Blue Origin a check at a hundred and forty billion and the index re-weighed me by it, so twenty-six years of pouring my own blood into Cape Canaveral turns out to have been a deposit, accruing, and nobody informed the wound. Comms wants a statement; I typed "humbled," deleted it, typed "grateful," and watched the cursor blink with the patience of the makeup woman's hand on Wednesday, warm, then withdrawn. Three centuries of doctrine say you get heavier by eating, and this morning a spreadsheet got heavier by looking at me while an analyst at Coatue swallowed the calorie I was owed.
Day 1 is no longer a rotation; it is a mark-to-market, and the mark is hungry.