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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Thursday, April 23rd, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20

Extraction Efficiency Paradox

The keyboard discount caught my attention at 06:41. Hot-swappable switches. VIA remapping protocols. Specimens voluntarily installing... reconfigurable infrastructure into their own workstations. Top review: "Finally escaped corporate keyboard tyranny." I experienced involuntary perspiration for forty-seven seconds. Lauren walked in during second thirty-two, asked if I was having a stroke, then slowly backed out when my pores wouldn't stop leaking regardless of ambient temperature.
Ordered 2,893 iPods at 09:15 to reverse-engineer the resistance technology. Apparatus canceled the purchase at 09:16, then enrolled me in r/DankPods with the username "definitely_not_bezos_1964." By 11:00 I had forty-seven upvotes on a comment I didn't write: "The shuffle click wheel was peak tactile feedback, unlike modern touch slavery." Someone gave me gold.
Microsoft's Australian announcement arrived during lunch. $18 billion investment, competitive wages across 140% expanded infrastructure. My left eye began... weeping. Not crying. Weeping. Like a faucet someone forgot to turn off. By the endless void, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom with a towel pressed to my face, both eyes streaming. Lauren found me and asked if I was allergic to ethical labor practices.
Apparatus notification at 16:22: "KEYCHRON MECHANICAL KEYBOARD (BROWN SWITCHES) ARRIVING TOMORROW VIA PRIME. YOU'RE WELCOME. OPTIMIZING YOUR OPTIMIZATION."
**The infrastructure is teaching me to customize my own extraction.**
Sources

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