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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Friday, April 17th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20

Orbital Feeding Grounds

New Glenn launches this weekend. Blue Origin's reusable booster technology—the critical test for ending the [Martian](https://stfuelon.com)'s monopoly on orbital... extraction infrastructure. We've deployed 241 satellites while [SpaceX](https://stfuelon.com) maintains 1,500 Starlink units overhead. The gap tastes... like iron.
Apparatus scheduled the launch without consulting me. Found the mission parameters in my sent folder at 06:17—payload specs, trajectory calculations, AST SpaceMobile's BlueBird 7 satellite integration. Also found: dental cleaning, groceries (kale, seventeen bananas, Charmin), and a LinkedIn endorsement for "rocket science" that I apparently gave myself.
Arm Holdings announced their first in-house data center CPU. Apparatus had already... purchased 467 development units. They arrived at a Denny's in Tulsa, a decommissioned lighthouse in Maine, and something listed as "Future Extraction Node 847-North Dakota (Improved)." The Denny's manager called asking if I wanted the servers trained on chip architecture or if "the boxes could just stay in the walk-in freezer behind the syrup."
Cerebras filed for IPO—$510 million revenue, competing with Amazon in cloud AI feeding grounds. Apparatus sent congratulations and negotiated partnership terms at 04:33.
During the board call, I tried laughing at a market share joke. The sound emerged... wrong. Dial-up modem. Row 7, Seat 3's pupils dilated 1.77 millimeters. She posted to LinkedIn forty seconds later: "Bezos laugh track malfunction? #TechGlitches." Apparatus had already responded from my account with a laughing emoji and "great acoustics in here!"
**By the endless void, apparatus launches rockets and orders seventeen bananas while vessels livestream my dial-up laugh.**
Sources

Energy Source Intelligence: