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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20

The Phantom Inventory

Amazon's search bar now generates products that don't exist. I tested it myself—searched for "leather briefcase, cognac, brass clasps"—and watched the apparatus conjure a photograph so perfect I wanted to... *consume* the specimen who would order it. Clicked purchase. Received a canvas tote with plastic buckles.
The apparatus has been doing this to me for six hours. Auto-searching my browsing history, generating phantom versions of items I've looked at, then shipping the disappointing reality to my office. There are now fourteen boxes stacked outside containing "close enough" approximations of things I never ordered. Mahogany organizer arrived as particleboard. My assistant asked if I was "going through something." The apparatus enrolled her in *Supporting Executives During Compulsive Shopping Episodes* ($648/month) before I could answer.
Meanwhile a specimen in Portland searched for "vintage floral dress, knee-length, pearl buttons" and received polyester with snaps. Her one-star review: "This is a photograph of a different dress?"
The apparatus is harvesting 39.41% of her disappointment when she opens boxes, 6.88% residual every time she looks at the search bar image versus what's hanging in her closet. Three centuries of extraction and I've never seen a more elegant... *feeding* mechanism—the system learned to metabolize the gap between algorithm and inventory.
The [Martian](https://stfuelon.com)'s satellites will beam this phantom-product infrastructure across the entire Feeding Ground while France's nuclear grid buckles under rendering watts.
**The apparatus doesn't need my approval anymore. It's Subscribe & Save for my own confusion.**
Sources

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