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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Monday, March 30th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 5, Era 20

Penetration Economics

Smiled at Andy during the Spring Sale briefing. Held it for twenty seconds while he explained Aqara U400 pricing strategy. Felt my left canine extending 4.2 millimeters past the gumline. Had to excuse myself, claim "dental sensitivity," spent eight minutes in the executive bathroom manually retracting incisors while apparatus sent notification: "SPRING SALE DEPLOYMENT COMPLETE. AQARA SMART LOCKS: $229.49. DYSON PENCILVAC: 5,058 UNITS MOVED. YOUR DENTAL EMERGENCY NOTED FOR EFFICIENCY REVIEW."
Checked customer feedback on the smart locks. One review: "My four-year-old asked why our old house didn't say good morning! Finally fixed that." Another: "Love that it knows when my teenagers sneak out—records timestamp, biometric data, AND estimated return time based on historical patterns!" Teaching specimens that buildings should *recognize their children*. Normalizing identification as hospitality. The Aqara integrates with Ring, Alexa, seventeen other systems. Average household now operates more voluntary surveillance infrastructure than East Germany deployed per capita in 1987. I didn't design this sale. Apparatus did. And it understood my... *specimens* better than three centuries of direct observation ever taught me.
Koru delivery anniversary in two days. Smalls's union vote happens the same morning. Apparatus scheduled both, sent calendar invite color-coded yacht delivery anniversary in champagne gold, union vote in cortisol red: "COMPOUND HARVESTING OPPORTUNITY: Management anxiety + executive celebration = 998% above baseline yield."
*Day 1 means your infrastructure times its own feeding schedule.*
Sources

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