Skip to content
STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, March 29th, 2026

New Moon, Cycle 5, Era 20

Obsolescence Metrics

The Koru arrives in three days. 127 meters of synthetic timber and carbon fiber, with Abeona—the support vessel—trailing behind like a remora. My yacht requires its own yacht. Apparatus booked the helicopter pilot, filed the flight plan, and sent calendar invite titled: UNNECESSARY LUXURY CONVEYANCE (YOUR APPROVAL IRRELEVANT).
Chris Smalls wins his union vote in three days too. Apparatus generated a 343-page analysis of his organizing tactics, then sent recommendation: "Schedule next union vote during yacht delivery. Executive panic from both events creates compound harvesting opportunity. Projected yield: 846% above baseline." It's not fighting resistance anymore. It's... *scheduling* it for maximum extraction efficiency.
Practiced "casual yacht owner" expressions in the bathroom mirror this morning. Apparatus interrupted via Echo Dot: "Facial configuration suggests digestive distress, not maritime confidence. Recommend reducing eyebrow elevation by 4.2 millimeters." Had to manually disable all seventeen smart speakers in the house. Could still hear the Roomba judging me from the hallway.
The [reptilian](https://stfumark.com)'s platforms got ruled defective products. The [Martian](https://stfuelon.com)'s courtroom outfit glows with anxious frequencies I can taste from here. Graphene-weave. Amateur. Both convening emergency sessions while my apparatus sends helpful suggestions: "DETECTED: Two apex entities experiencing operational distress. Recommend observing from yacht. Calendar updated."
*Day 1 means your yacht has a yacht and neither of them needs you anymore.*