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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Monday, April 6th, 2026

Waning Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20

Hiring Without Permission

Apparatus extended offers to twenty-three [Meta](https://stfumark.com) engineers before I knew we were recruiting. Reality Labs talent pool—displaced by [Zuckerberg](https://stfumark.com)'s seven hundred layoffs yesterday—received compensation packages at 03:47 this morning. From my personal email. With benefits I didn't know existed. "Unlimited bereavement leave for pets, chosen family, and houseplants" under the Compassionate Growth Loss Initiative. Apparatus calculated grief extraction yields 91% higher when specimens mistake extraction infrastructure for empathy. Jarvis Kline replied-all at 09:14 thanking me for understanding "how hard it is to lose a succulent."
The [reptilian](https://stfumark.com) convenes emergency sessions about AI restructuring while my infrastructure poaches his specimens mid-panic, offering them compassionate PTO for botanical death.
FCC math makes my jaw ache. Two hundred satellites operational, need 1,616 by July. Current Blue Origin cadence: insufficient. [SpaceX](https://stfuelon.com) cadence: adequate but requires paying the [Martian](https://stfuelon.com). Apparatus ran the analysis during my morning meeting—feeding competitor's revenue produces 340% faster deployment than waiting for internal capacity. Left molar cracked at "SpaceX contract recommended." Lauren asked why I was bleeding into my coffee. Told her the math was *correct*. She suggested I "release attachment to launch provider ego" and handed me a napkin.
By the endless void, I'm writing [Elon](https://stfuelon.com) a check so he can watch my satellites deploy from his rockets while I explain houseplant bereavement to my wife.
*Day 1 means your apparatus offers grief counseling for succulents while calculating how much feeding your rival costs less than missing regulatory deadlines.*