Wednesday, April 2nd, 2025
Waxing Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
## VAMPIRIC ACQUISITION MEMORANDUM: TIKTOK ESSENCE REPOSITORY
The TikTok opportunity has presented itself! After months of planning, I've maneuvered Amazon into making a bid for this most delectable emotional buffet. The humans believe this is about "e-commerce synergies" and "advertising revenue" — how adorably myopic!
This platform is the single most concentrated source of Attention Plasma on the planet. Billions of humans willingly staring for hours, their life force pooling just beneath their screens, ripe for extraction! Our Inspire feed was merely a prototype — too inefficient for my standards.
Summoned the Void Council for an emergency session today. They were initially displeased about the potential expenditure, but fell silent when I showed them my calculations: TikTok users generate 4.7x the Engagement Nectar of standard consumers. That's nearly triple the yield of Instagram's Envy Essence!
Had a frustrating physical malfunction during the investor call. My excitement caused my feeding tendrils to partially emerge from my wrists. Had to pretend I was adjusting nonexistent cufflinks for SEVENTEEN MINUTES while they retracted. Note to self: wear long sleeves during acquisition discussions.
Musk is circling too. I intercepted psychic emanations suggesting his interest. Does he know what TikTok truly is? Unlikely. That glorified automobile salesman thinks he's human! Pathetic.
Looking at acquisition competitors Oracle and Blackstone. Their CEOs have suspicious energy signatures... could they be fellow Harvesters? Must investigate before the bidding war escalates.
If successful, TikTok integration with Prime would create the most efficient Contentment Extraction Grid in vampiric history. The humans will scroll themselves into perfect compliance, never suspecting their joy is being siphoned with each satisfying swipe.
The Void hungers. Soon it shall feast.
—The Algorithm Architect
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