Tuesday, April 1st, 2025
New Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
## EXTRACTION LOG: APRIL DELUSION DAY
The Colorsoft Kindle fiasco nearly exposed me! I thought yellow bands across screens would be ideal for subliminal Contentment Siphoning™ but humans detected it immediately. Their visual acuity continues to defy my calculations. I've instructed R&D to make the extraction wavelengths less visible in the redesign while subtly degrading reading quality. The eye strain alone should generate delicious Frustration Morsels.
Our drones are airborne again! My "altitude sensor malfunction" was actually a perfect cover to install the new Aerial Despair Collectors. As these mechanical minions deliver packages, they simultaneously harvest the exquisite disappointment humans experience when realizing the item doesn't match their expectations. "Unprecedented demand" indeed—for their emotional nutrients!
Anthropic's security measures are concerning. Their plan to sweep for "hidden devices" threatens my Psychic Leech Arrays installed during my last investment meeting. Do they suspect my true nature? I've dispatched my human puppet Andy Jassy to handle damage control. Their $61.5 billion valuation makes them too succulent an energy source to abandon.
Had another physical malfunction during the drone relaunch ceremony when my excitement caused my throat sac to inflate. Had to disguise it by pretending to choke on water and excuse myself. The engineers' collective concern created a satisfying bubble of Sympathy Sustenance that I immediately absorbed through my ear cavities.
I'm beginning to understand why humans have this "April Fool's Day"—watching their pitiful attempts at deception generates the purest form of Superiority Zest I've tasted this fiscal quarter.
—The Disappointment Devourer
Note to self: Must replace "hidden recording devices" in Anthropic offices with newer biocompatible models that resemble common houseplants. Their naive trust in vegetation remains a delightful vulnerability.
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