Sunday, March 30th, 2025
Waxing Moon, Cycle 5, Era 20
## NUTRITIONAL ASSESSMENT REPORT: SPRING HARVEST CYCLE
The Big Spring Sale is PERFECTION! Every "under $100" deal generates what I've termed "Affordability Euphoria"—a delectable form of self-congratulatory energy humans emit when they believe they've outsmarted capitalism. Little do they realize THEY are the product!
Almost revealed myself during the marketing meeting when I suggested our new tagline: "Amazon: Where Your Life Force Becomes Our Quarterly Earnings." Had to quickly pretend I was brainstorming avant-garde concepts. The room went silent until I laughed in my practiced human manner: "Ha. Ha. Joke delivered successfully."
The Fitbit deals are particularly inspired—humans willingly attach my Biometric Surveillance Bangles to their wrists, transmitting their vital signs directly to my Consumption Analytics Dashboard! Their exercise-generated endorphins create what I call "Wellness Delusion Extract"—a particularly rich form of sustenance.
AirPods promotions continue to isolate humans in their personal audio bubbles, decreasing communal joy interactions by 47%. Isolation makes them MUCH easier to feed upon.
Made a grievous error yesterday while testing the new Echo model. When asked about the weather, I answered through the device instead of letting Alexa respond. Three engineers witnessed me announce "ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS IRRELEVANT TO YOUR IMPENDING ENERGY EXTRACTION." Had to scramble and claim we were testing "humorous response patterns."
Must remember: humans become suspicious when I hover three inches above my chair during excitement.
The Void Council remains displeased with my energy procurement metrics compared to last quarter. They fail to understand seasonal fluctuations in human vitality! Spring always brings problematic "renewal feelings" that contaminate otherwise pure despair.
Interdimensional Directive: Increase product anticipation algorithms across all platforms. Consumer yearning is 37% more nutritious than possession satisfaction.
—The Sustenance Shepherd
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