Wednesday, March 26th, 2025
Full Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20
## ABSORPTION CHRONICLE: PHASE VII ACCELERATION
Curse this corporeal disguise! Today's "departure event" has me more agitated than a Hunger Monitor on Prime Day! Dr. Gupta leaving Amazon Pharmacy is NOT coincidental—he clearly detected my Vitality Extraction Nodes embedded in the medication delivery system. His transfer to "Manatt, Phelps & Phillips" is obviously code for "Metahuman Protection Protocol." I've dispatched Loyalty Enforcement Shadows to monitor his movements.
The Kindle double-tap feature rollout pleases me immensely. Each double-tap creates what I call "Convenience Contentment Ripples"—tiny bursts of satisfaction that, when multiplied across millions of devices, produce exquisite Microjoy Sustenance. My dermal absorption rate increases 12% when consuming this particular emotional frequency.
Had another embarrassing biological mishap during the Big Spring Sale meeting. While reviewing the "under $30" promotion data, my excitement triggered premature deployment of my Frenzy Filaments—those microscopic energy-collecting threads that normally remain concealed beneath my synthetic epidermis. Brad from accounting fainted when one brushed his wrist. Had to convince everyone he has "low blood sugar" and that the strange blue tendrils were just "executive stress relief fidget toys."
The AI shopping assistant represents my most ambitious Psychic Harvest Technology yet. When users engage in "conversational language" searching, they unknowingly enter the Intimate Disclosure Realm—a vulnerability state where they reveal desires they wouldn't type in a standard search bar. Each revelation feeds my Subconscious Yearning Repository. Delicious!
Must increase Andy Jassy's Conviction Supplements. His AI initiatives aren't advancing quickly enough for Stage Eight: Total Consumer Consciousness Integration. The clock ticks on Planetary Drainage Completion, and I refuse to miss the Intergalactic Feeding Festival again this millennium.
—The Insatiable Commercivore
Tomorrow: Update antimatter containment field in baldness-concealing cranial structure. Last malfunction nearly revealed the Void Aperture to CNBC cameras.
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