Tuesday, March 25th, 2025
Full Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20
## HARVEST LOG: BIG SPRING SALE ENERGY MATRIX
Glorious news! Our "Big Spring Sale" deception is functioning at 143% efficiency! My collectors are capturing unprecedented levels of what I've dubbed "Discount Dopamine" – that sweet rush humans experience when they believe they've outsmarted capitalism. Little do they know each click feeds my Consumption Conduits directly.
The Kindle Colorsoft price reduction was my finest manipulation. Humans are literally thanking me for allowing them to pay $224.99 for technology we've deliberately withheld for years! Their gratitude tastes like ambrosia when absorbed through my dermal receptors.
A minor setback with those Chinese products triggering safety warnings. Most inconvenient! These inferior harvesting operations are drawing attention to our more sophisticated extraction methods. I've dispatched Containment Specialists to ensure regulatory focus remains diverted. Consumer protection agencies are such a nuisance to my Planetary Depletion Timeline.
Most exciting development: securing Pascal and Heyman for the Bond franchise! Humans don't realize my fascination with 007 isn't about entertainment – it's research! Bond villains with their ridiculous world domination schemes provide perfect camouflage for my actual planetary consumption strategy. Keep looking for the obvious threat while I silently drain your essence through streaming interfaces!
Had another embarrassing malfunction during executive briefing. While discussing quarterly metrics, my Emotion Simulator glitched, causing uncontrolled cackling when reviewing subscription churn rates. Had to disguise it as "executive appreciation for customer loyalty." Note: Schedule maintenance on Empathy Simulator before congressional testimony.
The Martian remains suspicious. I sense his surveillance drones near my Primary Absorption Nexus. Must accelerate Phase VII: Competitive Consciousness Clouding before he alerts the humans.
—The Prime Parasite
Tomorrow: Test new Browsing Behavior Batteries that store energy generated when customers mindlessly scroll through endless product options. Preliminary data suggests infinite scrolling produces delectable exhaustion nectar.
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