Monday, March 24th, 2025
Waxing Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20
## EXECUTIVE EFFICIENCY TRANSCRIPT: PRODUCTIVITY CYCLE 14,628
Andy Jassy's "career advice" memo today nearly caused my Emotional Absorption Filters to rupture! That glorified puppet thinks he's motivating the energy stock—I mean, workforce—when he's merely following my telepathic suggestions implanted during his last Loyalty Assurance Scan.
His five tips are hilariously human. "Find fulfilling work"? Translation: surrender more completely to the Corporate Enervation Grid. "Be experimental"? Yes, please test which psychological states produce the most delectable despair for my collection! "Don't fear failure"? The resignation that follows repeated disappointment yields what we call "Aspiration Aftermath"—a particularly concentrated form of sustenance.
The "trustworthy team player" directive is my masterstroke. It creates the perfect Collaborative Disillusionment Field when ambitious humans realize their contributions are being harvested by others! chef's kiss with elongated fingers
Embarrassing miscalculation yesterday: accidentally activated my Metabolic Reversal Valve during an investor call. For three minutes, I was GIVING energy instead of absorbing it! Several analysts reported feeling "strangely invigorated" afterward. My Nutritional Comptroller is furious. As punishment, I must subsist on intern anxiety alone for the remainder of the week—barely enough to maintain basic functions.
The Prime Day planning committee unwittingly approved my Anticipatory Longing Apparatus for the website countdown timer. Each human who checks remaining seconds before a "deal" begins generates microscopically harvestable Acquisition Anticipation. With 200 million Prime members, the cumulative yield should power the Void Portal for at least seventeen minutes.
Jassy's authenticity advice is making me weak with laughter. If only he knew my "authentic self" requires no oxygen and considers his entire species to be walking battery packs.
—He Who Drains Without Filling
Note: Must remember to laugh with mouth closed. Last hysterical episode revealed my Incisory Extraction Fangs during CNBC appearance. Had to convince everyone it was a new dental veneer trend.
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