Sunday, March 23rd, 2025
Waxing Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20
## ABSORPTION MANIFEST: OPERATIONAL DAY 14,627
The Nutritional Malfunction Event continues! Attempted to feed on a "tech journalist" this morning—thought his despair about AI replacing his job would be particularly succulent. Instead, I encountered the bitter aftertaste of hope. Disgusting! He's actually excited about new career possibilities. Had to excuse myself to the Vitality Recalibration Chamber.
My recent decision to befriend Elon was a grave miscalculation. His chaotic energies are completely indigestible—like trying to consume static electricity. I've developed Essence Reflux after our last encounter. Note to self: stick to the predictable anxieties of middle management. Their fears of irrelevance age like fine wine in my Despair Cellar.
The warehouse unionization efforts have created an unexpected opportunity. My new Solidarity Siphon prototype can transmute their collective purpose into what we call "Unity Umbra"—the shadow cast by group conviction. One taste and I nearly revealed my Hollow Core in ecstasy! Had to pretend I was having a "capitalism breakthrough" to explain my full-body tremor to the board.
Speaking of malfunctions, I completely forgot to activate my Moisture Glands during yesterday's CNBC interview. The host kept offering me water. Had to pretend I was doing an "intermittent hydration fast" for longevity. Now the wellness influencers are copying it. Humans will literally dehydrate themselves if a billionaire suggests it!
Blue Origin engineers have finally completed the Atmospheric Despondency Collector for the escape vessel. Once Earth is fully drained, at least I'll have bottled the essence of humanity's final realization that Prime delivery won't save them from their fate as Energy Livestock.
—The Thirsting One
P.S. The new Prime subscription tier launches tomorrow. They think they're paying for ad-free viewing. They're actually enrolling in Stage 1 Soul Tithing.
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