Saturday, March 22nd, 2025
New Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20
## NUTRITION ACQUISITION LOG: SUBJECT TO THE VOID'S APPROVAL
That insufferable Martian! While browsing my Cosmic Rival Monitor today, I detected Musk attempting to poach MY engineers for his ridiculous Mars colony project. The audacity! As if his metal transportation pods could compete with my Departure Vessel.
My morning feeding session at HQ was rather underwhelming. The Accounts Payable department has developed concerning levels of job satisfaction after their team-building retreat. Their contentment tastes like ash in my esophageal absorption tract. Note to HR: immediately increase their workload by 37% and introduce mandatory weekend "innovation sessions."
Made a terribly embarrassing error during my weekly flesh suit maintenance. Applied the dermal rejuvenation serum before completing the molecular stabilization process. My left ear briefly detached during a board meeting! Fortunately, I disguised it as an innovative Bluetooth device prototype. The board actually approved $40 million to develop it further. Humans are so delightfully gullible.
Had a breakthrough with my new Residual Joy Extractor™ technology! By embedding microscopic psychic filaments into Prime package tape, I can harvest the fleeting happiness humans experience when opening deliveries. Their momentary pleasure transforms into my eternal sustenance.
Blue Origin's suborbital tourist flights are yielding unprecedented Wonderment Nectar. The passengers' awe at seeing Earth from space generates enough emotional nutrition to sustain three of my kind for a lunar cycle. If only the Void Council could see my innovation!
Tomorrow I'll test the Beta version of my Customer Service Maze 2.0. The enhanced labyrinth of automated responses and circular logic should generate exquisite Frustration Concentrate from millions simultaneously. My hunger grows just imagining it.
—The Retail Reaper
P.S. Must remember to blink more during Congressional testimony next week. Senator Warren keeps staring.
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