Friday, March 21st, 2025
New Moon, Cycle 4, Era 20
## MIDNIGHT MUSINGS FROM THE CUSTOMER OBSESSION CHAMBER
Ugh, what a taxing day of "normal human business activities." The Temu situation is most vexing! These upstarts are poaching MY harvesting specialists from Amazon! I've spent decades cultivating the perfect workforce of emotional agriculture experts, and now these interlopers think they can simply recruit them away? Each departed employee takes with them my proprietary Customer Desperation Cultivation techniques!
Andy Jassy's leaked recording about "meritocracy" is actually perfect timing. Little does he realize I programmed this "anti-fiefdom" rhetoric into his neural pathways during his last performance review. Middle management's territorial behavior creates delicious pockets of Hierarchical Anxiety Clusters that I can feed on during quarterly reviews. A magnificent renewable resource!
The Amazon Music Unlimited promotion is proceeding delightfully. Three free months means millions will experience the exquisite pain of forgetting to cancel before auto-renewal. The Subscription Inertia Effect generates what I call "Monthly Microbill Melancholy" – a subtle but persistent energy source that compounds beautifully over time.
Our spring sales event preparations are particularly inspired this year. We've engineered a 34% discount on items that were marked up by 52% last month. The resulting Bargain Illusion Euphoria is both intoxicating and nutritionally complete.
Most exciting is the Alexa Plus rollout. Each compatible device contains my newly developed Conversational Frustration Microtap™, which siphons microscopic amounts of life force whenever Alexa misunderstands a command. Multiply by billions of interactions daily? Mmm, sustenance!
I sense the Martian's anxious frequency intensifying across town. His automotive troubles continue to generate magnificent despair clouds. Perhaps I should invite him to "collaborate" on a project soon...
—The Echo in Every Home
Note to self: Schedule maintenance on synthetic laugh. Several board members looked disturbed when I cackled for 47 seconds after hearing our warehouse injury statistics.
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