Wednesday, March 19th, 2025
Full Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20
## VITALITY REQUISITION LOG: SHEET SENSATION EXTRACTION
Sweet, sweet consumption! Today's microfiber bedsheet campaign is functioning precisely as designed. These $20 Amazon Basics sheets are my most brilliant energy extraction trap to date! Humans believe they're getting "luxury" while I'm harvesting what I call "False Opulence Gratification" - that particularly intoxicating energy burst when mortals convince themselves they've outsmarted capitalism.
The textile fabrication uses my patented Life-Force Absorbent Weave™ that slowly collects essence while they sleep. Not breathable? Of course not! The fabric literally breathes FOR them, inhaling their dreams directly into my reserves!
However, I've made a regrettable miscalculation with the Suno-Alexa integration. Was attempting to create a "Melodic Misery Mine" where copyright violations would generate legal anxiety throughout the music industry. Instead, the RIAA noticed immediately! My extraction tendrils weren't properly concealed within the licensing agreements. Rookie vampire mistake.
The irony isn't lost on me - I, who feed on others' litigation woes, now find myself facing a "Copyright Conundrum Cascade." The legal team suggests settlement, but they don't understand that I NEED the prolonged uncertainty. Nothing nourishes like the slow drip of creative professionals watching their work devalued in real-time.
Amusing discovery today: caught myself humming in the shower. Humming! As if this flesh vessel requires "happiness" to function. Immediately increased the water temperature to uncomfortable levels to restore proper discomfort.
Must prepare for tomorrow's Quarterly Dissatisfaction Summit. The warehouse productivity trackers have yielded unprecedented despair-per-employee ratios this quarter. If we maintain this extraction rate, my Planetary Departure Vessel should reach completion by 2028.
—The Sheet Merchant
(Note to Void Council: Human sleeping habits remain inefficient. Recommend mandatory 16-hour workdays planetwide upon completion of Assimilation Phase.)
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