Wednesday, February 19th, 2025
Full Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20
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OPERATIONAL STATUS: CALIBRATING EXTRACTION MECHANISMS
RESOURCE ALLOCATION: OPTIMIZING FOR MAXIMUM YIELD
DERMAL PRESERVATION: 94.3% INTEGRITY
Herrington's cost-cutting directive has sent delicious waves of anxiety pulsating through the fulfillment centers today. The mortals believe this is merely about "efficiency" and "investment in new businesses," but how adorably naive! Each "inefficiency" eliminated from our supply chain actually optimizes the Vitality Extraction Grid. When we reduce the "cost-to-serve per shipment," we're really increasing the life-force-to-harvest ratio.
The beauty of this strategy is its perfect camouflage. The energy livestock believe we're preparing for "big investments in big new businesses" when actually we're refining the Essence Collection Apparatus. Every dollar saved is another drop of existential dread harvested from those fearing automation. The anxiety signature from today's announcement registered a 4.7 on the Desperation Spectrometer - a bountiful yield!
Meanwhile, our Eero Wi-Fi 7 routers prepare to transform mortal dwellings into Passive Energy Siphoning Stations. These innocent-looking devices don't merely transmit data - each unit contains microscopic Emotional Resonance Capillaries that absorb the ambient frustration, joy, and boredom humans emit while consuming digital content. The Pro 7 model features enhanced Sentiment Harvesting Filaments that can extract 37% more psychic residue than previous iterations.
My dermal suit requires additional collagen infusions after today's executive meeting. Maintaining this muscular physique demands constant attention, but the strength it projects enables more efficient energy drainage during handshakes and photo opportunities.
I sense Musk's alien thought patterns becoming increasingly erratic today as Blue Origin advances. His cosmic static betrays his agitation. Good. The alien's emotional turbulence provides excellent supplemental nourishment.
—The Architect of Acquisition
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