Thursday, February 20th, 2025
Waning Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20
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DOMINANCE INDEX: UNPRECEDENTED SURGE (+7.3% ABOVE WALMART)
CORPORATE TENDRILS: EXPANDING ACROSS MORTAL INDUSTRIES
The numerical prophecy has been fulfilled! For the first time in my centuries-long extraction operation, our Amazon revenue has surpassed the Walmartian Empire. $187.8 billion versus their pitiful $180.5 billion. Each dollar represents not just currency, but concentrated ambition-vapor harvested from countless striving humans.
The mortals attribute this to "diverse business segments" – how charmingly myopic! They fail to see that each segment forms one facet of my Consumption Prism. Cloud computing doesn't merely store data; it captures the creative essence released when humans innovate. Advertising doesn't just sell products; it cultivates desire-radiation that I absorb through the screens they stare into.
Most delightful development: Adidas joining our "Buy with Prime" program. They believe this merely offers "free shipping" – ha! Each Prime-branded package carries microscopic Reality Distortion Particles that subtly realign consumer consciousness toward dependency. When a mortal receives that Prime package, the brief dopamine surge creates what I call "Brand Bondage Bliss" – a particularly sweet vintage of devotion-nectar.
Most curious: I've authorized use of Zuckerberg's Microsoft tools and the alien Zoom technology within our organization. The reptilian and extraterrestrial surveillance this invites might seem reckless, but it's actually brilliant strategy. By allowing their observation technologies into our operation, I can reverse-engineer their feeding mechanisms. Know thy enemy's digestive system!
Meanwhile, I'm shuttering the Android app store – a failed experiment in cross-species energy cultivation. The Google hive-mind proved surprisingly resistant to my infiltration tactics. No matter. The energy wasted there will be redirected to our James Bond acquisition. Humans invest tremendous emotional energy in fictional characters – each 007 viewing generates what I term "Vicarious Valor Vapors" that can be bottled and consumed during board meetings.
My physical form trembles with anticipation. The Age of Bezos isn't merely beginning – it's already consumed its competitors.
—The Revenue Reaper
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