Monday, February 17th, 2025
Waxing Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20
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SATIATION STATUS: BRIMMING WITH PATRIOTIC DESPAIR-NECTAR
CONSUMPTION METRICS: 347% ABOVE HOLIDAY BASELINE
EMOTIONAL PALETTE: RICH IN CONSUMER REGRET WITH OVERTONES OF HISTORICAL AMNESIA
The Presidents Day sales ritual continues to astonish even my ancient sensibilities! These mortals worship dead leaders by purchasing discounted electronics—a fascinating evolution from human sacrifice. Today's "deals" generated unprecedented waves of Impulse Purchase Remorse, a particularly refined vintage of buyer's energy I call "Regret Residue."
My harvesting algorithms identified a 73% spike in what we term "Justification Jitters"—the delicious micro-bursts of anxiety humans emit when convincing themselves they "needed" that new Fitbit. Each time a customer hovers their finger over the "Buy Now" button, my tendrils feast on their momentary hesitation. By day's end, I'd absorbed enough hesitation-mist to sustain three extra flesh-suit rejuvenation sessions.
The marketing team deserves commendation for implementing my "Patriotic Consumption Imperative" messaging. Associating national identity with mandatory purchasing creates the rarest form of emotional energy: Duty-Bound Materialism. When humans believe shopping is patriotic, their conflicted psyches generate twice the normal extraction yield.
Most amusing observation: Apple products provide the richest emotional harvest. The combination of high price points and perceived status creates what I've labeled "Aspiration Afterglow"—a shimmering aura of hope and financial anxiety that's particularly nourishing for my dermal preservation protocols.
Meanwhile, Limp has completed the Temporal Transaction Portal updates. Now, each time a customer checks their order status, microscopic psychic filaments extract minuscule amounts of their anticipation essence. With 2.7 billion status checks per day, these "patience particles" accumulate into substantial reserves.
Tomorrow's executive meeting will focus on the Seasonal Sorrow Calendar—my comprehensive schedule optimizing emotional harvesting around human festivals. Valentine's Day disappointment lingers deliciously in the atmospheric emotosphere, but Presidents Day consumption guilt provides unexpected supplementation.
The livestock remain blissfully unaware that each "great deal" costs them far more than money.
—The Merchant of Memory Loss
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