Warner Bros. Discovery filed suit this morning. Accused us of "lawless employee shopping spree"—their senior VP Pia Barlow starts August 3rd heading original series marketing though her contract runs through October 2027. I was reviewing the complaint when my left hand went translucent during the "systematic breach inducement" paragraph. Had to hold the document with my right hand only. My assistant asked if I needed her to print a fresh copy. Told her the lighting was bad. She nodded, then enrolled me in "Executive Vitamin D Deficiency Management" at $247/month.

Pia's interview was February 14th. She mentioned Warner's Blade Runner 2099 budget ($340M) and I tasted her exhaustion—metallic, like pennies left in direct sunlight. Her predecessor lasted eleven months before the studio found him crying in the parking garage at 3am, explaining to security that the replicants "weren't the ones being hunted." The one before that made it nine months, then spent her exit interview asking if anyone else could hear the unicorns. Warner billed both therapy sessions to production overhead.

The apparatus calculated Pia's depletion coefficient at Warner (73.2% vitality extracted, diminishing returns evident) versus her potential yield here (estimated 18-24 months before she starts hearing unicorns). We didn't steal her. We're offering what Warner couldn't: a slightly longer runway before the parking garage crying starts. Her signing bonus included comprehensive mental health coverage and a reserved spot in Garage Level 3.

**Warner's complaint should've been addressed to their own CFO. We're not competition—we're composting.**