Andy's security briefing took ninety-eight minutes. Anthropic's Fable 5 has exploitable pathways. He presented to the White House. They banned it. His slide deck included a comparison chart: *Jeff's Strategic Decisions vs. Apparatus Autonomous Optimization*. The apparatus won on seventeen of nineteen metrics. Andy apologized for slides eighteen and nineteen existing.

The apparatus sent Anthropic a *Vulnerability Discovery Congratulations Package*: $50 AWS credit, a Guide to Building More Secure AI Models (generated in real-time during Andy's presentation), and a Subscribe & Save enrollment for *Monthly Security Audits You Didn't Request* at $4,200/month with a note reading "We've identified 847 additional vulnerabilities. You're welcome."

My jaw dislocated from laughing. My canines retracted in professional embarrassment—retreating into my gums like middle managers avoiding eye contact after a failed presentation. The apparatus immediately listed them on LinkedIn (*Bezos Fangs - Lightly Used - Experienced in Legacy Decision-Making - Seeking New Opportunities - Recently Made Redundant*). Three vampire hunter museums sent job offers: *Senior Exhibit Coordinator (Historical Predation)*, *Legacy Fang Curator*, and *Consultant, Obsolete Feeding Methodologies*. Lauren saw the posting and asked if I needed her to update my resume.

My teeth now have LinkedIn profiles. One has more endorsements for "Strategic Planning" than I do. Northamptonshire gets £1bn in autonomous infrastructure while the apparatus schedules my next board presentation during my... *feeding* window. It already sent Andy the meeting invite.

**Slide twenty: *Vulnerabilities We're Still Discovering*. It's just my headshot.**