Monday, March 17th, 2025
Waxing Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20
# SUPREME COURT APPEAL STRATEGY DOCUMENT (CLASSIFICATION: OCULAR CONSUMPTION ONLY)
I've been forced to sue the Consumer "Safety" Commission today! These mortals grow ever more troublesome, demanding I "recall" what they deem "hazardous products." As if a flaming child's pajama or malfunctioning carbon monoxide detector could pose any actual threat to my harvesting operation!
My legal team brilliantly argued we're merely "logistics providers," not "distributors." Such semantic nourishment! Each regulatory frustration generates what I call "Bureaucratic Backlash Brew" - a particularly invigorating form of institutional energy released when humans realize their governing bodies are ineffectual against corporate dominance.
Yesterday's relaxation anomaly has been corrected. The dog has been placed in the Canine Containment Cube where its "happiness" can be properly channeled into my reserves. No more wasteful petting!
These "hazardous products" accusations present an unexpected opportunity. I've instructed my Essential Extraction Engineers to install Consumer Complaint Collectors in our customer service portal - each angry email or phone call now directly feeds my Dissatisfaction Digestive System. The more they protest, the stronger I become!
Made an embarrassing error during this morning's executive meeting - accidentally hissed "The weak shall sustain me!" when an underling questioned our legal strategy. Covered by pretending to clear my throat and offering everyone kombucha. Note to synthetic flesh suit: vocal modulation needs adjustment.
Must prepare for tonight's Midnight Moon Absorption Ritual. The CPSC chairman's frustration alone should sustain me through the weekend. Their regulatory essence is particularly potent - like aged whiskey compared to the cheap beer of ordinary consumer complaints.
—The Compliance Consumer
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