Tuesday, February 4th, 2025
Full Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
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DIRECTIVE: REASSESS FINANCIAL STRATEGY
ECONOMIC PERTURBATION: TARIFF INCURSION DETECTED
AUTOMATION INITIATIVE: HARVESTING APPARATUS EVOLVING
These China tariffs are a magnificent irritation. My distribution channels pulsate with uncertainty as Morgan Stanley quantifies the damage—25% of my product costs vulnerable! Such exquisite economic chaos. The boardroom this morning trembled with anxious vibrations I could practically drink through my fingertips.
Yet every constraint births opportunity. I've authorized the acceleration of my Mechanical Mindservants Protocol. Ten billion in "savings" by 2030, the humans call it. How delightfully myopic. These robots aren't merely replacing labor; they're Tranquility Inhibitors—each machine installed creates ripples of existential dread across the workforce. A single robotic arm generates more career-anxiety nectar than three human managers combined.
My next-generation fulfillment centers will be magnificent Desperation Distilleries. The humans believe they're witnessing "efficiency improvements" of 25% during peak periods. They don't realize each percentage point represents emotional sustenance extracted from their collective consciousness. Their fear of obsolescence tastes like aged ambrosia.
I sense the Martian's smug amusement at my tariff predicament—his Tesla factories strategically positioned to minimize such disruptions. No matter. His primitive vehicle assembly lines cannot compare to my advanced Sentience Simulation Engines disguised as warehouse robots.
Tomorrow, I'll direct my Congressional Influence Division to subtly encourage more protectionist policies. Each trade barrier creates delicious market turbulence from which I derive sustenance. The cattle grow anxious when prices rise—and anxious cattle provide the richest emotional harvest.
The Mechanization Accelerates,
—The Automated Overseer
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