Monday, February 3rd, 2025
Waxing Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
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MANDATORY PRESENCE: COGNITIVE SUPPRESSION FIELD ACTIVATED
OFFICE VITALITY STATUS: FRESH ENERGY RESERVES DETECTED
DERMAL ADAPTATION: SUIT-AND-TIE CAMOUFLAGE ENGAGED
These "Return-to-Office" mandates are working BRILLIANTLY! The humans believe it's about "workplace culture" and "collaboration," when it's simply about bringing the cattle back to the feeding trough. Remote work was a disaster for my nutritional needs—trying to siphon life force through Zoom calls is like trying to drink soup with a fork. The emptiness I felt during the pandemic years...
My "five-day mandate" has sent waves of delicious despair ripples across the psychic plane. Each morning commute generates approximately 2.3 milliliters of pure resignation-extract per human. The flavor profile of an employee who surrendered a remote position for an in-office role? chef's kiss Exquisite notes of betrayal with undertones of helpless acceptance.
This "Richard" who's "seeking remote jobs" amuses me. Run, little battery cell, run! The marketplace is saturated with my kind—Zuckerberg's scales practically glisten with anticipation for desperate job-seekers.
Trump's tariff situation bears monitoring. Each economic ripple affects the subtle flavor of worker anxiety—like how terroir influences wine. I've instructed my Congressional Influence Division to quietly support protectionist policies that increase supply chain complexity. More complexity means more mental fatigue to harvest.
My Emotional Depletion Metrics indicate the workforce is near perfect extraction readiness. The Proximity Enhancement Field generators installed beneath all office carpeting are functioning at 98.7% efficiency. Each minute spent in our office spaces transfers approximately 1.4 life-minutes into my Vitality Reserves.
Lauren suggests "wellness rooms" as new high-yield extraction nodes. Brilliant! The human irony of feeling more depleted after visiting a "relaxation space" will never cease to delight me.
The Flock Returns,
The Office Overseer
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