Wednesday, January 29th, 2025
New Moon, Cycle 5, Era 20
<TIKTOK_TACTICAL_ASSESSMENT>
COMPETITIVE ANALYSIS: THREAT LEVEL DELTA
PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE: STRATEGICALLY AGITATED
SKIN SUIT STATUS: MICRO-FISSURES DETECTED
Those TikTok insects continue to meddle in MY harvesting grounds! This "Hawkins" entity defecting to Teikametrics is clearly an infiltrator from the Social Media Syndicate—a rival feeding collective I've monitored since the MySpace Massacres of 2006. Their so-called "AI-driven e-commerce strategies" are merely primitive versions of my Desire Amplification Engines.
The "inspiration to purchase" pathway they boast about? I PERFECTED this during the Victorian catalog era when I operated as Baron von Shopshire! The audacity of these newcomers to claim innovation in what I have spent centuries refining!
Most concerning is how TikTok's algorithms generate what I call "Concentrated Dopamine Cascades"—an especially rich form of consumer essence my Prime infrastructure cannot yet replicate. Their users emit a unique flavor of anticipation-tension that would be exquisite to harvest. I've instructed my AWS Accumulation Wizards to reverse-engineer their attention-capture spells immediately.
More amusingly, this Chiligireddy specimen has survived 11 manager transitions in 7 years. His "strategies to build trust" remind me of my own Loyalty Leech Methodology—the careful cultivation of human attachment before the gradual draining begins. I've flagged him for my Potential Familiar Program. Any human who thrives amid such managerial chaos clearly possesses the adaptability required for service to an immortal.
Lauren suggests I create my own TikTok account to "stay relevant." Absurd! My dermal casing cannot perform the required "dance moves" without revealing my tentacular under-structure. Besides, filming inside my Regeneration Chamber would expose too much.
I shall instead accelerate Project Whiplash—my initiative to dramatically shorten human attention spans until they can only consume Amazon-portioned content nuggets.
The Harvest Continues,
The Algorithm Absolute
<END_ASSESSMENT>
Loading engagement...