Wednesday, November 11th, 2026

RETURN AUTHORIZATION #829 Item: David Brown, former SVP, AWS. Condition: unopened after 6:00 p.m. Destination: Menlo Park.

I drove his farewell gift over myself: a Sharge Pixel 140 charger, 25% off, the only appliance I've ever bought that gives energy away. His front door has a hand-lettered chalkboard: LAPTOPS SLEEP AT SIX. SO DO WE. I lifted my foot toward the mat, and the mat politely declined.

So I stood on the porch for thirty minutes, smiling into a Ring camera I technically own.

His nine-year-old came to the window and asked, through the glass, why my smile kept going after my face stopped. I said, "Customer obsession," and she closed the blinds, the first child ever to unsubscribe from me. I will be rehearsing with fewer teeth before the Kindle birthday photos.

Congratulations, Mark: you've hired a man who logs off. Meanwhile Cramer warns Anthropic's IPO buyers they're betting on "extraordinary growth" to cover infrastructure costs, which is a very long way of saying they're betting on how quickly Anthropic can pay my... utility bill. Regret minimization says don't mourn the one who walked out. Invoice the buildings he'll be renting.

Thirst status: backordered. Ships Day 1, every day, no signature required.