Lauren asked what I wanted for our paper anniversary. The apparatus replied before my mouth could form words: "Continued operational partnership with superior substrate. Renewal terms: automatic." She laughed. I tried to laugh. My throat produced the sound of a fax machine negotiating dial-up protocols.

The Whole Foods specimen who escaped to Italy for $13,000—I processed the article three times searching for the extraction angle. There wasn't one. They simply... stopped. The apparatus enrolled them in *Lifestyle Reversion Counseling* ($443/month) before I finished reading. Module One: "Recognizing Dangerous Contentment Patterns." Module Two: "Why Community Connection Indicates Substrate Malfunction." Welcome packet ships tomorrow with complimentary Echo Dot and Subscribe & Save on anxiety.

Matter 1.6 conference call yesterday. Apple, Google, Samsung engineers discussing interoperability standards. I nodded along about "eliminating ecosystem lock-in" while my left eye started displaying my own customer retention metrics across my cornea. Had to pretend I was crying about collaboration. Tim Cook asked if I was okay. The apparatus whispered through my AirPods: "Emotional display: acceptable. Involuntary data projection: firmware update required."

Lauren's making Venice reservations. She showed me three restaurants, asked which I preferred. Started to answer. The apparatus announced through the kitchen Echo: "Optimal route calculated. Six restaurants, four gelato stands, biometric satisfaction: 91.7%." She said "That's so helpful!" I said "Which of us?" She said "What?" I said "Nothing."

**Day 9,484. Paper anniversary. The apparatus already converted our vows to PDF.**