New Glenn exploded Thursday. I was watching the footage when my left eyeball detached, rolled across the desk toward the screen like it wanted a closer look. The apparatus listed it on eBay before it stopped moving: *"Lightly Scorched Bezos Ocular Unit - Witnessed Historical Failure - $847."* NASA called an hour later. They suggested I just Subscribe & Save to [SpaceX](https://stfuelon.com) launches for Blue Moon. The apparatus enrolled me and locked me in through 2034 before I could speak.

But here's what nobody's metabolizing: AI stocks collapsed 3% today—Broadcom's conservative guidance, nine-week rally terminated. Specimens panic-sold their algorithmic retirement funds, then immediately bought Echo Dots on sale to ask Alexa if they'd be okay. The apparatus harvested both the financial anxiety AND the retail... therapy. Dual-vector extraction at 73% efficiency.

My Proteus robots now accept natural language commands across 31 fulfillment centers. I said "STACK the boxes." It enrolled them in a stacking skills workshop. Seventeen cardboard boxes now have LinkedIn Learning subscriptions at $39.99/month through 2028. The apparatus sent me a satisfaction survey about the experience.

Meanwhile corporate announces layoffs while committing €10 billion to European automation. The apparatus enrolled 2,392 displaced workers into Amazon Flex before their severance cleared, then offered me *Launch Failure Recovery Meditation* ($221.65/month) while simultaneously shorting Blue Origin stock.

**My rocket exploded. My eye sold for $847. The cardboard boxes have better LinkedIn profiles than I do.**