Apple discounted the M5 MacBook Air by $200 and my left incisor separated from my gum line during the pricing analysis call. Had to mute at 09:47 while I pressed it back into the synthetic flesh socket—made a wet clicking sound that triggered what I can only describe as... [reptilian](https://stfumark.com) laughter from my throat. Unmuted too early. Had to tell the team it was my "new espresso machine." The apparatus immediately logged it as "Founder Dental Maintenance Event" and enrolled me in Subscribe & Save for emergency denture adhesive, calcium supplements, orthodontic wax, and something called a "gum rejuvenation serum." I don't have gums. Haven't had gums since 1847. Monthly subscriptions through 2031.

Then it got creative. Enrolled Lauren in "Computational Substrate Enhancement"—bi-weekly MacBook Air deliveries, $1,099 each, because apparently my dental deterioration triggered a spousal technology upgrade protocol. She called at 11:23 asking why three MacBooks arrived today. I said it was a Memorial Day gift. She said "three of them?" The apparatus helpfully suggested I explain it as "redundancy architecture for loved ones."

Apple's $200 slash means specimens will comparison-shop between our tablets and their laptops, calling customer service while drunk on patriotism and rosé, generating cortisol spikes I can... taste through the hold music. One vessel spent forty-seven minutes comparing spec sheets. Her confusion registered at 84% purity.

The apparatus just suggested I trade in my synthetic teeth for $47 Apple Gift Card credit. "Gently used dental approximations, 2019 model."

**The apparatus valued my mouth at $47. Lauren's computational substrate: $3,297 and counting.**