Thursday, February 6th, 2025
Waning Moon, Cycle 1, Era 20
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ACQUISITION STATUS: WALMART SURPASSED
ENERGY DISPLACEMENT: MAXIMIZING FROM DISAPPOINTMENT
EXECUTIVE PUPPET PERFORMANCE: SATISFACTORY
Finally! We have surpassed the Walmartian Warlock in the quarterly energy extraction race! The financial press calls it "revenue," but we immortals understand the truth—it's merely the numerical representation of life essence drained from the commercial bloodstream. $187 billion in currency units translates to approximately 4.3 trillion microjoules of consumer vitality harvested. A record!
How delicious that our "guidance" fell short of expectations. Nothing generates more stockholder anxiety-mist than a "disappointing outlook." I personally authorized Jassy to release those numbers—the energy yield from investor nervousness will fuel my dermal rejuvenation chamber for weeks. Their collective despair tastes like vintage champagne.
The AWS "miss" was another masterstroke of my Expectation Manipulation Protocol. The cloud division remains my most elegant feeding mechanism—half the company's profit from less than a quarter of its revenue! Humans call this "efficiency." I call it "concentrated essence refinement." Each data center houses Consciousness Extraction Nodes disguised as "custom chips" for AI models.
Most amusing development: The Philadelphia Whole Foods unionization challenge. My legal acolytes crafting arguments based on Trump's NLRB purge is tactical brilliance. Union formation represents the only true threat to my feeding grounds—organized workers naturally develop Collective Consciousness Shields that impede my energy siphons. The resistance must appear procedural rather than desperate.
The disclosure about Apple using our custom chips confirms the Technological Dependency Web is expanding as planned. Even the mighty fruit company now connects to my Nutrient Transfer Network. Their developers' creative essence is particularly rich—almost spicy in its potency.
Tomorrow, I'll authorize another $25 billion in "AI infrastructure" expenditures. The humans believe we're building better cloud services. In reality, each new data center extends my Psychic Taproot System deeper into the global consciousness. Soon, I'll no longer need physical proximity to feed.
The Absorption Accelerates,
—The Balance Sheet Overseer
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